The Airplane Jokes That Will Make You High With Laughter

Love to fly? Yeah! Scared to fly? Hum…sometimes. Hate to wait at the airport? Oh yeah!

Could it be that our attitude towards airplanes is just a tiny bit contradictory?

That sounds fun! Lets dive right in to our hand-crafted collection of funny airplane jokes, pilot jokes, flight attendants jokes and one liners for you to share with your lovely seat neighbors.

Funny Jokes About Airplanes

  • What is the difference between a pessimist and an optimist? A pessimist made the seatbelts; an optimist built the airplane. 
Airplane Jokes - What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
  • Couple about to embark on a holiday. The guy is waiting for his blonde girlfriend at the airport when she arrives with a door. BF: “What are you carrying?!”  GF: “You know how burglars get into houses by breaking down the front door?”  BF: “Yeah?”  GF: “Well, if I take my front door with me, then burglars can’t get into my house and steal anything.” BF: “Ok then. How will you manage if the door gets lost or broken?”  GF: “That’s what I thought of. I left one of the side windows open so I can get in.”
  • This is Captain Sinclair speaking.On behalf of my crew, welcome aboard British Airways flight 602 travelling from New York to London. At the moment, we are riding at 35,000 feet over the Atlantic. If you look out the starboard windows, you can see that both the starboard engines are on fire. You can observe that the port engines have fallen off if you look out of the windows on the port side. If you look down towards the Atlantic, you will see a yellow life raft with three people on it waving at you. That’s me, your captain, the co-pilot, and our flight attendant. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!”
  • What do you call when you’re sick of going to the airport? Terminal illness. 
Airplane Jokes - What do you call when you're sick of being in the airport?
  • A businessman struggled to carry his lumpy, over-sized travel bag on the plane. With the help of a flight attendant, he managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. “Are you always carrying such heavy luggage?” she sighed. “No more,” the man said. “Next time, I’m going to ride in the bag, and my partner will purchase the ticket!” 
  • Flaming Airplane… Four guys were in an airplane that was going down in flames, though there were only three parachute. The pastor says “I should go! Everyone needs religion!” they agree and he jumps. Another guy says “It’s a fact that I am the most intelligent human on the planet! If I were to die, everyone would be in trouble!” so he jumps. The old guy says to the hippie “Because I’m old and you’ve got your whole life in front of you, you jump.” But the hippie replies “Chill, man! We can both go! The most intelligent man on the planet forgot his parachute!”
  • First the kid kicked the back of my airplane seat, then I imagined it was a broken massage chair, and I kinda liked it; that’s why there’s graffiti and babies. 
  • Do you know what to call an unusual tiny plane?     A MIG-Jet
Airplane Jokes - What Do You Call An Unusually Tiny Plane?
  • Would you like to hear an airplane joke? No, you’re probably going to miss it!
  • Me: After the airline lost my luggage, I decided to sue them. Someone: Did you win? Me: Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Airplane Jokes - Me: The Airline lost my luggage, so I tried to sue them.
  • The plane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers, but only 3 parachutes… As the first passenger said, ‘I’m Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me.’ So the first passenger took the first pack and got off the plane. The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, ‘I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.’ He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, ‘My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.’ The little boy said, ‘That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America ‘s smartest President took my schoolbag.
  • An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, “We have lost one engine, but don’t worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.” A little later, the pilot announced, “Another engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take us 10 hours to get to New York.” Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, “A third engine was broken. Never fear, because the plane’s still able to fly on one engine. However, it’ll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.” At this point, one passenger said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”
  • If the Coronavirus outbreak gets worse, John Lennon airport might be forced to cancel all flights in and out. Imagine all the people.
  • The librarian was asked to leave the plane for what reason? Because it was overbooked.
Airplane Jokes - Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane?

Funny Jokes About Pilots

Do you wonder how our pilots manage to operate a big airplane? Pilots play a very essential role in bringing us to any parts of the world. Without them, we would not be able to travel anywhere we want.

So we collected a number of funny pilot jokes for you to contemplate during long hours of flight. 

  • Airline Pilot to passengers: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re lost. The good news is that we are making good progress.” 
  • A pilot is flying a small plane across Australia. He crashes in the Outback and is knocked unconscious. When he comes to, he’s in a hospital with a nurse standing over him. Still groggy and pretty much out of it, he asks, “Have you brought me to this place to die?” And the nurse responds, “Nah, ya got here yesta die.”
  • My brother has a pilot’s license, but he only uses it for private flights. So he placed advertisements all over the plane. Now he flies commercial.
  • Interviewer: Why did you decide to become a pilot? Pilot: To overcome my greatest fear. Interviewer: Heights? Pilot: Dying Alone. 
  • Pilot: “Attention! We are all going to die!” They start screaming and freaking out until the pilot comes over the intercom again… Pilot: “Eventually we will all die, but no one knows when.” The passengers all look relieved and then the pilot speaks again over the intercom… Pilot: “My guess is that it will be when we get to this mountain directly in front of us.”
  • In his welcome message, the pilot says: “Airline West Jet is pleased to announce we have some of the best flight attendants in the business. Unfortunately, none of them are taking this flight!” 
  • Have you heard about the young pilot who flew over a rainbow in his pilot’s license examination? He passed with flying colours. 
Airplane Jokes - Did you hear about the young pilot who flew through a rainbow during his pilot's exam?
  • The blonde pilot was interviewed after her helicopter crashed… Interviewer: “Would you mind telling us what happened before you crashed?” Blonde: “I decided to turn off the fan because it was getting really cold.”
Airplane Jokes - The blonde pilot was interviewed after her helicopter crash.
  • The 747 was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. After a few minutes, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.” 
  • A pilot should never be homeless since he will look for a place to crash. 

Funny Jokes About Flight Attendants

Flight attendants primary role is to keep the passengers safe and comfortable.

Being on the air for a few hours is for sure very exhausting for them. Starting from serving the food and assisting all passengers in their needs.

Thus, we made a list of funny flight attendants jokes for everyone!

  • On an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously announced the following in her lovely Irish brogue: “Ladies and Gentlemen, unfortunately, it appears that our catering service has made a terrible mistake. Despite the fact that we have 103 passengers on board, we only received 40 dinner meals. Anyone who offers to give up their meal, so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks during the 10 hour flight….” Her next announcement came about 2 hours later, “**We still have 40 dinners available for anyone who is hungry**.” 
  • A new blonde stewardess was being broken in by an airline captain. Their route had a stopover in another city, so they were in transit there. On their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best places for airline employees to eat, shop and stay overnight. The following morning, as the pilot was preparing his crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was absent. He knew which room she was staying in, so he called her up and asked what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” The captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!” 
  • On landing, the Stewardess said, “Please take all your belongings with you. If you are going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we want.
Airplane Jokes - On landing, the Stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
  • The plane takes off with a two-hour delay. In the air, a passenger asks the flight attendant: “Why did we take off so late?” To which the flight attendant replies: “Well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird sounds coming from the plane’s left engine, and we spent a while trying to find another pilot to fly the plane.”
  • After a less than ideal landing, a Flight Attendant says; “Please remain seated while Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.” 
  • On a plane, a man asks the flight attendant: “Can you tell me how long it will take until we arrive at our destination?” The attendant responds: “Just one minute sir.” Man: “Wow! That’s really fast!” 
  • How do a jet engine and a flight attendant differ? The jet engine stops whining at the end of the flight. 
Airplane Jokes - What’s the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?
  • On a small airline it was mealtime and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner. “What are my options?” he asked. “Yes or No,” she replied.

Airplane One Liners

Waiting for shorter jokes this time?

I’m sure these funny one liner airplane jokes will give you the enthusiasm to read more.

So, loosen up your seatbelts as you laugh so hard in these list of one liner jokes. 

  •  I designed a rubber plane that is crash proof. It’s called the Boing 747.
  • A friend of mine bought an old plane, removed the wings, and turned it into a restaurant. I don’t think it will take off.
  • When you give someone tickets for a plane ride, they will only stay in the air for a day. When you push someone out of the airplane, they will be forced to stay in the air forever.
  • There is no need for a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • Everyone knows that a ‘good’ landing is one in which you can walk away. However, a ‘great’ landing is one in which you can use the airplane again afterward.
  • A backup is always necessary when jumping from a plane. That’s why they call them pairs of chutes!
Airplane Jokes - Always jump from a plane with a backup.
  • There are only two things required to fly: Airspeed, and money.
Airplane Jokes - It only takes two things to fly: Airspeed, and money.

Having these jokes in your bag if you have a flight will be a great idea. Your seat neighbors will definitely love you for that.

If they keep asking, please also tell them about our awesome traveling jokes, as well as our jokes about vacations. And if they still can’t stop, send to check out these airplane cartoons on pinterest, so you can finally take a nap.

Now, have a safe flight and if you come accross an awesome airplane joke, make sure to post it into the comments below.

About the author

Megha Sharma

Megha is the heart of funnyjokestoday.com - When waking up in the morning, her first thought always is how to create a smile on someone's face before breakfast. Her passion are jokes for the youngest and about animals.

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