Love to fly? Yeah! Scared to fly? Hum…sometimes. Hate to wait at the airport? Oh yeah!
Could it be that our attitude towards airplanes is just a tiny bit contradictory?
That sounds fun! Lets dive right in to our hand-crafted collection of funny airplane jokes, pilot jokes, flight attendants jokes and one liners for you to share with your lovely seat neighbors.
Funny Jokes About Airplanes
- What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seatbelts.
- A young couple are about to go on a holiday. The guy is waiting for his blonde girlfriend at the airport, when she arrives carrying a door. BF: “What are you carrying?!” GF: “You know how burglars break down the front door to get into houses?” BF: “Yeah?” GF: “Well, if I take my front door with me, then burglars can’t break the door down, which means they can’t get in and take anything.” BF: “Ok then. What are you going to do if you lose the door, or if the door breaks?” GF: “I thought of that. I left one of the side windows open so I can get in through there.”
- “This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We’re currently flying at an altitude of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port engines have fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That’s me, your captain, the co-pilot, and our flight attendant. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!”
- What do you call when you’re sick of being in the airport? Terminal illness.
- A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. “Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed. “No more,” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!”
- Flaming Airplane… Four guys were in an airplane, which was going down in flames. There were only 3 parachutes, though. The pastor says “I should go! everybody needs religion!” they agree and he jumps. Another guy says “I’m the smartest man on earth! If I die, everyone goes broke!” so he jumps. The old guy says to the hippie “I am old, and you have a whole life ahead of you, so you jump.” But the hippie replies “Chill dude! We can both go! the smartest man on earth forgot the parachute!”
- At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging; then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it; that’s why there’s graffiti and babies.
- What Do You Call An Unusually Tiny Plane? A MIG-Jet
- Wanna hear an airplane joke? Nah it will probably fly over your head!
- Me: The Airline lost my luggage, so I tried to sue them. Someone: Did you win? Me: Unfortunately not, I lost the case.
- An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes… The 1st passenger said, ‘I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.’ So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, ‘I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.’ He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, ‘My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.’ The little boy said, ‘That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America ‘s smartest President took my schoolbag.
- An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, “We have lost an engine, but don’t worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York.” A little later, the pilot announced, “A second engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.” Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, “A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to New York.” At this point, one passenger said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”
- Apparently, if the Coronavirus outbreak gets worse, they might have to cancel all the flights in and out of John Lennon airport. Imagine all the people.
- Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.
Funny Jokes About Pilots
Do you wonder how our pilots manage to operate a big airplane? Pilots play a very essential role in bringing us to any parts of the world. Without them, we would not be able to travel anywhere we want.
So we collected a number of funny pilot jokes for you to contemplate during long hours of flight.
- Airline Pilot to passengers: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we’re lost. The good news is we’re making good time.”
- An American pilot is flying a small plane across Australia. He crashes in the Outback and is knocked unconscious. When he comes to, he’s in a hospital with a nurse standing over him. Still groggy and pretty much out of it, he asks, “Did you bring me here to die?” And the nurse responds, “Nah, ya got here yesta die.”
- My brother has a pilot’s license but only for private flights. So, he put ads all over his plane. Now he flies commercial.
- Interviewer: Why did you become a pilot? Pilot: To overcome my biggest fear. Interviewer: Heights? Pilot: Dying Alone.
- Pilot: “Attention everyone, we are all going to die!” Passengers start freaking out and screaming until the pilot comes over the intercom again… Pilot: “One day we will all die, but no one knows when.” Passengers all look relieved and then the pilot comes over the intercom again… Pilot: “My guess is that it will be when we hit this mountain directly in front of us though.”
- And from the pilot during his welcome message: “West Jet Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
- Did you hear about the young pilot who flew through a rainbow during his pilot’s exam? He passed with flying colours.
- The blonde pilot was interviewed after her helicopter crash… Interviewer: “Can you tell us what happened just before you crashed?” Blonde: “well it was getting really cold so I decided to turn the fan off”
- Engine Trouble An 747 was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A couple minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”
- A pilot should never go homeless Because then he’s going to look for a place to crash.
Funny Jokes About Flight Attendants
Flight attendants primary role is to keep the passengers safe and comfortable.
Being on the air for a few hours is for sure very exhausting for them. Starting from serving the food and assisting all passengers in their needs.
Thus, we made a list of funny flight attendants jokes for everyone!
- Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. We have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this and anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight….” Her next announcement came about 2 hours later, “**If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available**.”
- Blonde Stewardess An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” The captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
- On landing, the Stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have”.
- A plane takes off with two hours delay. Once in the air a passenger asks the flight attendant: “Why did we take off so late?” To which the flight attendant replies: “Well the pilot noticed some smoke and weird noises coming from the left engine and it took us a while to find another pilot willing to fly this plane.”
- A Flight Attendant’s comment after a less than perfect landing; “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal”
- And man is on a plane, and asks to a flight attendant: “Excuse me, how long will it take before we arrive at our destination?” The attendant responds: “Just one minute sir” Man: “Wow! That’s really fast”
- What’s the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant? At the end of the flight, the jet engine stops whining.
- It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner. “What are my choices?” he asked. “Yes or No,” she replied.
Airplane One Liners
Waiting for shorter jokes this time?
I’m sure these funny one liner airplane jokes will give you the enthusiasm to read more.
So, loosen up your seatbelts as you laugh so hard in these list of one liner jokes.
- I designed a crash proof airplane made out of rubber. It’s called the Boing 747.
- A friend has bought an old plane, taken the wings off, and turned it into a restaurant. I don’t think it will take off.
- Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day Push a man out of a plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- Everyone knows a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But a ‘great’ landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
- Always jump from a plane with a backup. That’s why they call them pairs of chutes!
- It only takes two things to fly: Airspeed, and money.
Having these jokes in your bag if you have a flight will be a great idea. Your seat neighbors will definitely love you for that.
If they keep asking, please also tell them about our awesome traveling jokes, as well as our jokes about vacations. And if they still can’t stop, send to check out these airplane cartoons on pinterest, so you can finally take a nap.
Now, have a safe flight and if you come accross an awesome airplane joke, make sure to post it into the comments below.