Irish Jokes That’ll Make You Laugh as Hard as a Guinness

In Ireland, the history goes back thousands of years, and there’s plenty of room for a sense of humor in all of that! 

Whether it’s dropping a heavy one-liner or a set of bad jokes, you’ll never run out of laughs in Ireland. 

Here are my most favorite Irish jokes and puns that will have you laughing along with the Irish.

Funny Irish Jokes and Puns

  • How did Irish jokes start?
    • By looking over your shoulder.
  • Why was whiskey invented by God?
    • So the Irish would never rule the world.
  • Have you heard about the population of Ireland?
    • It’s Dublin.
  • How do we differentiate between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
    • One less drunk.
  • What does it mean to find a horseshoe in Ireland?
    • Some poor horse is going barefoot.
  • Are people jealous of the Irish?
    • Yeah, they’re green with envy.
  • When does an Irish potato no longer qualify as Irish?
    • When it’s a French fry!
  • A fake Irish stone is called what?
    • A shamrock.
  • An Irish fella trying to break up a fight is called what?
    • Liam Malone.
  • A big Irish spider is called what?
    • A Paddy long legs.
  • A bad Irish dance is called what?
    • A jig mistake.
  • What is an Irish that sits outside all day?
    • Paddy O’Furniture!
  • What is a man in Ireland called a man with a glass behind his ears?
    • Paddy O’Doors.
  • What did the drunken Irish man in New York tell his wife to her back home?
    • Irish you were beer!
  • How do Irish people tell when it’s summer?
    • The rain gets warmer.
  • Why do Irish people fight each other?
    • They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
  • Why are Irish people so concerned about global warming?
    • They’re really into green living.
  • What do you call a guy who knows how to control his wife?
    • A murder suspect.
  • What is the difference between a smart Irish man and a unicorn?
    • Nothing, they’re both fictional characters.
  • What is an Irish seven-course meal?
    • A six pack and a potato.
  • Have you heard about the winners of the Irish beauty contest?
    • Me neither.
  • Do you know what a Irish husband is?
    • A man who has not kissed or touched his wife in 20 years but would kill the man who tries to.
  • Can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
    • Because they’re always a little short. 
  • Did you hear about the Irish boomerang?
    • It doesn’t come back, it just sings songs about how much it longs to.
  • How do you describe an Irishman who bounces off the walls all the time?
    • Rich O’Shea!
  • Do you know why the obsessive-compulsive leprechaun always checked the lock twice?
    • Ta be sure ta be sure.
  • What do Irish ghosts drink on Halloween?
    • BOOs!
  • Leprechauns use what kind of spells?
    • Lucky charms. 

Add these jokes about Europe countries to your next read: Paris Jokes, London Jokes, Italian Jokes

Hilarious Irish One Liners and Sayings

  • “There are only two classes of people—the Irish and those who wish they were Irish.”
    • –Therese Duffy
  • “If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, you’re lucky enough!”
    • –Irish Saying
  • May you die in bed at the age of ninety-five, shot by a jealous spouse.
  • Happy St. Patrick’s Day to someone who had a good reason for being drunk at work on a Tuesday. 
  • May you live to be a hundred years old, with an extra year to repent.
  • May your heart be light and happy, may your smile be big and wide, and may your pockets be filled with coinage!
  • The Irish Steeplechase for women had to be abandoned.
    • Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.
  • An Irishman walks out of a bar…
    • really it can’t happen.
  • In the Melbourne Cup, a famous Australian horse race, Murphy lost a hundred dollars. 
    • He also lost another hundred on the television replay.
  • Irish climbers made a valiant effort to scale Mount Everest, but they failed.
    • They ran out of scaffolding.
  • Irish puns are so O’ffensive!
  • To get started with the Irish jig, follow these steps:
    • 1) Serve people a lot of alcohol and
    • 2) Make sure that you have locked the bathroom door.
  • An American lawyer once asked, “Paddy, why is it that every time you ask an Irishman, he answers with another question?”.
    • “Who told you that?” Paddy asked. 
  • You know you have Irish parents if…
    • In any crisis large or small, the first thing to say is “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
  • The Irish Way:
    • Don’t talk about yourself while you’re here, we’ll talk about you after you leave!
  • Irish women rarely get angry.
    • We just get better at brilliantly agreesive sarcasm. 
  • St. Patrick’s Special All Natural Green Beer.
    • Algae gives it its color. 
  • Whenever two Irish people meet, they only have 30 seconds to find someone in common
    • If they don’t, they will both die. 

Crazy Irish Stories

  • A police officer pulls over an Irish priest while he is driving along a country road.
    • He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees an empty wine bottle in the car.
    • “Have you been drinking?” he asks.
    • “Just water,” says the priest.
    • “Then why do I smell wine?” asks the cop.
    • When the priest looked at the bottle, he said, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”. 
  • Paddy and his friend were waiting at the bus stop when a lorry went by loaded with rolls of turf. 
    • Paddy said, “When I win the lottery I’ll do that.”
    • A friend asks him, “What’s that?”
    • “Cut my lawn for me,” says Paddy. 
  • Fr O’Grady is approached by a sobbing Ms Murphy after mass.
    • “So what’s bothering you?” he asks.
    • She replies, “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
    • The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
    • “Certainly father,” she replied.
    • He said, “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
  • In Dublin, Billy asks Paddy for the quickest route to Cork.
    • Paddy asks, “Will you be walking or driving?”
    • Billy responds, “In the car.”
    • “Well that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy.

As all Irish know, humor is a hugely important, intrinsic part of our culture. We hope these Irish jokes and puns make you laugh and proud to be from the Emerald Isle.

Check out this collection of the best viral Irish videos that will leave you laughing.

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