Hilarious Husband Jokes Will Always Make Your Wife Fall in Love With You

Most of the time, it is men who are the bullies inside marriages. Spouses absolutely love it when husbands joke around, even when their lines are the corniest or cheesiest! And when a husband and wife don’t mind jokes at their expense, marriage can be a lot of fun.

So hello there, husband! Here you will find the collection of funny husband jokes that will make your wife love you even more! 

We’ve also got wife jokes, sister jokes, and brother jokes just in time for your next family gathering. Keeping family members in stitches can be fun. Have a blast!

Hilarious Husband Jokes

• A man who has lost all his intelligence is called what?
  • A widow!

• In what way did the husband bring a suitcase to dinner?
  • Because he wanted to have a packed meal!

• How do you describe a man who remembers anniversaries?
  • A widower!

• Is there a reason why husbands say they’ll do the chores tomorrow?
  • Because tomorrow is always a day away!

• Is there a reason why the husband brought a tape measure to bed?
  • Because he wanted to see how long he could sleep!

• Can you tell me what type of sandwich a husband likes best?
  • The one his wife makes!

• Do you know the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
  • First, Even after a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
  • Second, A dog only requires two to three months to train.

• What do husbands have in common with lawn mowers?
  • They’re difficult to start, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.

• I believe the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it’s the only time he hears someone say,
  • “Wow, that’s a big one!”

• My husband has been so rude to me since I needed a wheelchair.
  • He shoves me around and talks behind my back.

• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
  • while the other is the husband.

• Inspector: What’s the reason you didn’t report your stolen credit card?
  • Husband: I found out that the thief was spending less money than my wife.
  • Inspector: Why do you report it now, then?
  • Husband: I think the wife of the thief is now using it.

• Why did the deceased man divorce his dead wife?
  • Due to the fact that she was frigid.

• A man speaks urgently over the phone, “My wife is pregnant,and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
  • “Is this her first child?” the doctor asks.
  • “It’s her husband, you idiot!” shouts the man.

• While women desire videotaping the birth of their child,
  • husbands want videotaping the conception.

• My friend recently went through a divorce.
  • Both of them split the house.
  • He got the outside.

• The 29th, 30th, and 31st of February…
  • are the days that men are always right! 

• Husband: You have two options in marriage.
  • Either you are happy or you are right.

• The husband’s position resembles a split airconditioner…
  • No matter how loud he seems outdoor. He remains quiet during indoors.

• People who are always wrong all the time have a nickname…
  • HUSBAND!!!

• What husband does to stay married?
  • He keeps Mum.

• Son: I got cast in a play for an upcoming annual day.
  • Dad: What kind of role are you playing?
  • Son: A husband.
  • Dad: You idiot, ask for a part with dialogues.

• When did you get to know your spouse?
  • Unfortunately, not more than a week after the wedding.

• Husband: The other night, I had a terrible row with my wife; however, later on she crawled to me on her knees.
  • Friend: Wow, that was pretty impressive! What did she say?
  • Husband: “Get out from under that couch, you coward!”

• The two men were talking about their wives.
  • “My wife is an angel,” says the first man.
  • The second man says, “You’re lucky! Mine’s still here.”

• My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can.
  • She’s telepathetic.

• I gave my wife a mood ring.
  • The ring turns blue when she’s in a good mood.
  • However, when she’s mad, it leaves a huge red mark that afflicts my forehead.

• The other night, I asked my wife what she was “cooking up for dinner”
  • and found out that all my stuff had gone into the burn.

• Doctor: Do you participate in dangerous sports?
  • Patient: Sometimes, I argue back with my wife.

• A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed up his bags and told him to leave.

• The Philosopher Husband said: Every wife is a ‘Mistress’ of her husband.
  • ‘Miss’ for the first year, and ‘Stress’ for the rest of her life. 

Husband Jokes With His Wife

• Husband: How about a quickie?
  • Wife: As opposed to what?

• Wife: I look fat. Would you mind giving me a compliment?
  • Husband: You see everything perfectly.
  • Wife: How would you define me?
  • Husband: ABCDEFGHIJK.
  • Wife: What does it mean?
  • Husband: Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute ©, delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H).
  • Wife: Awwww, thanks, but how about IJK?
  • Husband: I’m just kidding!

• A British woman married an American man.
  • While they were on their honeymoon, the husband said, ‘You look like a million pounds!’
  • The wife divorced him.

• The husband asks his wife, “Will you get married after I die?”
  • The wife replies, “No, I will live with my sister.”
  • She continues, asking, “Will you marry after I’m gone?”
  • The husband replies, “No, I will also live with your sister.”

• Husband: Honey, I don’t like the way you look with those new glasses on.
  • Wife: But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.
  • Husband: True, but I do.

• Wife: What are ten years with me?
  • Husband: A second.
  • Wife: What is $1,000 for me?
  • Husband: A coin.
  • Wife: Ok, give me a coin.
  • Husband: Wait a second.

• Knock, Knock!
  • Who’s there?
  • Honey bee!
  • Honey bee who?
  • Honey bee a dear and get me a soda!

• Wife: Honey, Which do you like the best about me: my appealing face or my honed body?
  • Husband: You have a good sense of humor.

• The couple is going to an art gallery.
  • They notice a picture of a naked woman whose private parts are covered only with leaves.
  • While the wife moves on, the husband tries to keep looking.
  • The wife asks: What are you waiting for?
  • The husband replies: Autumn.

• Husband: Honey, my problem is pretty big.
  • Wife: Don’t say you have a problem, you and I are married now, we share, so say “we” are having a problem!
  • Husband: fine, ‘we’ got the neighbor’s wife pregnant.

• Husband told his wife…
  • Our son probably got his brains from you. I still have mine. 

• Wife: You forgot to get evaporated milk. I made sure you got it on your list.
  • A husband looking at his grocery bags: I believe that it’s all there.
  • Wife: Don’t you dare!
  • Husband: It must have evaporated. 

The Great Husband Quiz

Author’s Note

Sustaining a marriage isn’t as simple as walking into a park. Most married couples will tell you that making a marriage successful requires a lot of effort. Always remember that an essential element to a successful marriage is FUN. Have fun and just love! 

Don’t forget to share your entry as well! We love to hear it and share it with other married couples. 

Were you still searching for jokes to share with your kids as well? Check this out, World’s Greatest Dad Jokes to make everyone LOL, Plant Quotes to make you grow into a more beautiful person, Christmas Jokes to feel jolly this holiday season, or Animal Jokes that everyone will laugh at.

Real marriage takes a lot of work. Read this article if you want your marriage to be fun and last long, Marriage Tips Every Husband Needs to Hear.