Stop Your Husband Jokes and Bring Out the Best Wife Jokes


I’m sure you have heard your fair share of terrible jokes from your husband. It’s time to switch it up! In this blog post, we’ll show you the ropes on how to make some great wife jokes and keep things fresh in your marriage.

Hilarious Wife Jokes To Her Husband

  • What did the cannibal’s wife do when her husband came home an hour late for dinner? To put it bluntly, she gave him the cold shoulder.
  • Wife: “Our neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work, but you don’t. Why don’t you do that?” Husband: “How could I do that? I barely know her.”
  • What’s the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind while marriage is an eye-opener!
  • Wife: What about dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my options? Wife: Yes and No.
  • My husband and I were looking at the marriage certificate for thirty minutes when it hit me. Then I found out he’s been looking for an expiry date. 
  • Husband to Wife… Start your day off by learning to embrace mistakes. She rushed to hug him.
  • Doctor: Madam, Your husband needs rest and peace so here are some Sleeping Pills. Wife: Doctor, when should I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you!!!
  • The husband says to wife: “My Olympiccondoms have arrived. I think I’m going to wear gold tonight.”
  • The wife says: “Why don’t you wear silver and cum fuckin second for a change?”
  • My husband cooks for me every night as if I were a goddess, placing burnt offerings before me.
  • My husband says funny things when he talks in his sleep. Sometimes I give him the wifely elbow because he snores loudly. “What?!” he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. “Flip over—you’re snoring.,” I said. He did as told and muttered, “That’s nothing; you should hear my wife snore.”
  • A husband and wife are sitting on the couch drinking wine. The wife says, “I love you” all of a sudden. “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. The wife responds, “It’s me.” “Talking to the wine,” she adds.
  • My husband hasn’t been feeling well for days now and he seems very depressed by the rain. It doesn’t seem to be letting up, so I’ll have to let him in soon if this continues.
  • Wife: “If I’d known you were so broke, I never would have married you.” Husband: “Don’t pretend that I didn’t warn you! How many times did I tell you that you’re all I have?”
  • Son: Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns? Mom: Because there’s a wedding going on. Son: But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy? Mom: Exactly, son.
  • My husband and I had a very happy twenty years, but then we met.
  • Husband: I need to get away from you. I need space! Wife: Why not join NASA?
  • A married man’s best asset is… His ‘Lie-Ability’!
  • One afternoon, a husband walks through the door to find his wife watching one of Gordon Ramsey’s cooking shows on TV. Husband: STOP WATCHING THAT SHOW!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! Wife: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH PORN, DON’T YOU?!!!
  • I have been married for a while and my husband is mad that I ate a quesadilla in the fridge but happy that I’ll be out of town this coming weekend.
  • Waiter: “How would you like your steak, Sir?” Husband: “Like winning an argument with my wife.” Waiter: “Rare it is!”
  • My wife sent me a text that said, “Your great,” so I wrote back, “No, you’re great!” She’s been walking around all polite and smiling. Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave?

Hilarious Jokes About Wives

  • The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “It happens every time I talk to a beautiful woman. My wife appears out of nowhere.”
  • One day men put an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” The next, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
  • What is the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday? Forget it once. 
  • A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.
  • What’s the difference between my wife and a battery? I can’t use a battery after it dies.
  • The cops still haven’t found my wife’s killer. Lucky for me, I already fled the country.
  • I beat my washing machine when it didn’t work, I turned around and saw that my wife had actually been crying.
  • What is the difference between a potted plant and your wife? The answer would be the first one decomposes quicker.

Wives Funny Reminder To Husbands

  • It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes careers, he eventually ends up with the same boss.
  • When you are talking to your future wife, remember that two words will end most conversations: “Yes dear.”
  • The golden rule of woman is that there’s no problem you couldn’t create.
  • If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the woman is new.
  • Wife: Don’t argue with me! I’m so thoughtful and can think of everything. Anything you throw on me, chances are I would’ve seen it coming.

Conclusion

Marriage is incomplete without jokes. Since jokes can relieve stress, they might help couples stay together. Share a bond with your husband before you sleep and it will make for an amazing night together, including having him laugh too!

Don’t forget to share these funny wife jokes to your husband. They are sure to make him laugh.

Do you want to see more funny family stuff, too? We got you covered. Here are some of the fun-family friendly jokes we have for you!

Are you two newlyweds or have you been married for years? This post will reveal 10 marriage facts you might not have known.

About the author

Megha Sharma

Megha is the heart of funnyjokestoday.com - When waking up in the morning, her first thought always is how to create a smile on someone's face before breakfast. Her passion are jokes for the youngest and about animals.

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