Tommy Cooper One Liners and Quips That Are Sure to Bring You the Biggest Laughs

Tommy Cooper was one of the most popular British comedians of all time. Known for his practical jokes, one-liners, and physical gags, he is a master of physical humor. Over the course of his life, he entertained millions.

Discover the best and funniest Tommy Cooper one liners and jokes and present them in a fun and entertaining manner.

Hilarious Tommy Cooper One Liners and Qiups

  • I used to be a lifeguard,
    • but they let me go when I tried to rescue a smurf from the deep end.
  • I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but our dog’s become the official taste tester.
    • We call him ‘Canine Critique.’
  • I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places.
    • He said, ‘Well, you should consider relocating. Those places aren’t known for their safety.’
  • I’m always amazed by the Grand Canyon.
    • It’s grand, and it’s a canyon!
  • Two fish in a tank, one says to the other: “
    • You drive I’ll man the guns”.
  • I’m on a whiskey diet.
    • I’ve already lost three days.
  • Last week, I went to a seafood disco.
    • And pulled a muscle.
  • Recently, I had a ploughman’s lunch.
    • He wasn’t very happy.
  • We went to the corner store.
    • And bought 4 corners.
  • And I’m one of the secret six.
    • It’s so secret I don’t even know the other five.
  • I said to the waiter: “This chicken soup contains no chicken.”
    • He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”
  • I slept like a log last night.
    • I woke up in the fireplace.
  • A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
  • At one time, I tried swimming the channel.
    • But I used too much grease. I kept slipping out of the water.
  • I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
  • I surprised my parents.
    • They found me on the doorstep.
    • They were expecting a bottle of milk.
  • Last night I dreamed I had eaten a ten-pound marshmallow,
    • and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
  • The other day my wife and I cleaned the attic.
    • Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
  • The other day, I bought HP sauce.
    • It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
  • Yesterday, someone even complimented my driving.
    • They left a little note on the windshield, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
  • An answering machine message says,
    • “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”
  • My wife and I were married in a toilet.
    • It was a marriage of convenience!
  • I inherited a painting and a violin that turned out to be Rembrandts and Stradivarius violins.
    • Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
  • I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
  • Today I went window shopping!
    • I bought four windows.
  • My father gave me a bat for my birthday.
    • When I went to play with it, it flew away.
  • Let me give you a card.
    • Now tear it into halves.
    • Tear it into quarters.
    • Tear it into eighths, and throw the pieces up in the air.
    • Instant confetti!
  • I’ve used saccharine for ages and my doctor told me I had artificial diabetes.
  • I see two blondes walking into a building.
    • You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
  • Two kids were arrested yesterday.
    • One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
    • They charged one and let the other one off.
  • It’s odd, isn’t it?
    • You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you.
    • But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
  • Gambling has really united our family.
    • We had to move to a smaller house.
  • She was so beautiful.
    • When I took her home in a taxi, I could hardly keep my eyes on the meter.
  • I just bought a new car.
    • I pushed the horn and it went: ‘Woof woof.’
    • It was a Rover.
  • When I called the local gym, I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
    • He said, ‘How flexible are you?’
    • I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
  • A policeman stopped me and asked: Would you mind blowing into this bag?
    • I said: What for, officer?
    • He said: My chips are too hot.
  • One of your trousers’ legs will be chopped off and placed in a library, he announced.
    • I thought, “That’s a turn-up for the books”.
  • I called a local building firm and asked for a skip outside my house.
    • He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
  • Electricity is wonderful.
    • Do you realize that if we didn’t have electricity, we’d be watching television by candle light?
  • As I was getting into my car, a bloke asks: ‘Can you give me a lift?’
    • I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
  • Luckily, I have a wife who never misses me.
    • Her aim is perfect!
  • A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
    • It was a turtle disaster.
  • My recruitment consultant asked ‘How do you feel about voluntary work?’.
    • I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’
  • Today, I visited the RSPCA offices.
    • It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

Jokes To Laugh At: Puns About Leaving, Internet Jokes, Sand Puns, Camel Jokes

Funny Tommy Cooper Jokes

  • What are your options for getting out of prison?
    • Rub your hands together until they’re sore, then use the saw to chop through the bars.
  • Have you heard of the lone ranger?
    • I’m his brother hydrangea!’
  • What do you call a fish without eyes?
    • A fsh.
  • How would you describe an out-of-work jester?
    • Nobody’s fool.
  • What do kangaroos eat for breakfast?
    • Pouched eggs
  • Two cannibals eating a clown.
    • One says, “Does this taste funny to you?”


You’re in for a treat with these funny one-liners from Tommy Cooper! Although he is no longer with us, his one-liners live on. Share it with your colleagues and they will laugh as well. 

Remember, Tommy Cooper’s humor often involved his unique delivery and physical comedy, so envision his playful spirit when sharing these one-liners.

Watch out the best of Tommy Cooper’s YouTube magic act show.

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