40+ Best Tommy Cooper One Liners To Bring Biggest Laughs

Tommy Cooper was one of the most popular British comedians of all time. Known for his practical jokes, one-liners, and physical gags, he is a master of physical humor. Over the course of his life, he entertained millions.

Discover the best and funniest Tommy Cooper one liners and jokes and present them in a fun and entertaining manner.

Hilarious Tommy Cooper One Liners and Qiups

I used to be a lifeguard,
- but they let me go when I tried to rescue a smurf from the deep end.
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but our dog’s become the official taste tester.
- We call him ‘Canine Critique.’

I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places.
- He said, ‘Well, you should consider relocating. Those places aren’t known for their safety.’
I’m always amazed by the Grand Canyon.
- It’s grand, and it’s a canyon!

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other: “
- You drive I’ll man the guns”.
I’m on a whiskey diet.
- I’ve already lost three days.

Last week, I went to a seafood disco.
- And pulled a muscle.
Recently, I had a ploughman’s lunch.
- He wasn’t very happy.

We went to the corner store.
- And bought 4 corners.
And I’m one of the secret six.
- It’s so secret I don’t even know the other five.

I said to the waiter: “This chicken soup contains no chicken.”
- He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”
I slept like a log last night.
- I woke up in the fireplace.

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.
At one time, I tried swimming the channel.
- But I used too much grease. I kept slipping out of the water.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I surprised my parents.
- They found me on the doorstep.
- They were expecting a bottle of milk.
Last night I dreamed I had eaten a ten-pound marshmallow,
- and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

The other day my wife and I cleaned the attic.
- Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
The other day, I bought HP sauce.
- It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Yesterday, someone even complimented my driving.
- They left a little note on the windshield, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
An answering machine message says,
- “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”
My wife and I were married in a toilet.
- It was a marriage of convenience!

I inherited a painting and a violin that turned out to be Rembrandts and Stradivarius violins.
- Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
Today I went window shopping!
- I bought four windows.

My father gave me a bat for my birthday.
- When I went to play with it, it flew away.
Let me give you a card.
- Now tear it into halves.
- Tear it into quarters.
- Tear it into eighths, and throw the pieces up in the air.
- Instant confetti!
I’ve used saccharine for ages and my doctor told me I had artificial diabetes.
I see two blondes walking into a building.
- You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Two kids were arrested yesterday.
- One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
- They charged one and let the other one off.
It’s odd, isn’t it?
- You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you.
- But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Gambling has really united our family.
- We had to move to a smaller house.
She was so beautiful.
- When I took her home in a taxi, I could hardly keep my eyes on the meter.

I just bought a new car.
- I pushed the horn and it went: ‘Woof woof.’
- It was a Rover.
When I called the local gym, I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
- He said, ‘How flexible are you?’
- I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
A policeman stopped me and asked: Would you mind blowing into this bag?
- I said: What for, officer?
- He said: My chips are too hot.
One of your trousers’ legs will be chopped off and placed in a library, he announced.
- I thought, “That’s a turn-up for the books”.
I called a local building firm and asked for a skip outside my house.
- He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
Electricity is wonderful.
- Do you realize that if we didn’t have electricity, we’d be watching television by candle light?
As I was getting into my car, a bloke asks: ‘Can you give me a lift?’
- I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
Luckily, I have a wife who never misses me.
- Her aim is perfect!
A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
- It was a turtle disaster.
My recruitment consultant asked ‘How do you feel about voluntary work?’.
- I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’
Today, I visited the RSPCA offices.
- It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

Jokes To Laugh At: Puns About Leaving, Internet Jokes, Sand Puns, Camel Jokes

Funny Tommy Cooper Jokes

What are your options for getting out of prison?
- Rub your hands together until they’re sore, then use the saw to chop through the bars.
Have you heard of the lone ranger?
- I’m his brother hydrangea!’

What do you call a fish without eyes?
- A fsh.
How would you describe an out-of-work jester?
- Nobody’s fool.
What do kangaroos eat for breakfast?
- Pouched eggs
Two cannibals eating a clown.
- One says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

Bottomline

You’re in for a treat with these funny one-liners from Tommy Cooper! Although he is no longer with us, his one-liners live on. Share it with your colleagues and they will laugh as well.