69 Seriously Dirty Jokes and Memes (That Will Make You Cover Your Eyes)

by Eric Russell  |  14 Apr 2021

Not all jokes need to be family-friendly and G-rated. Some of those are dirty jokes that are (never appropriate but) always funny. I had a look around and collected the funniest dirty jokes for adults only. Some of them include Santa Clause, others your wife and again others are simply dirty puns…

No matter the setting, be bold enough to deliver a punchline to these 79 laugh-out-loud adult dirty jokes and memes.

Hilariously Inappropriate List of Dirty Jokes

What’s Santa’s secret? Why does he always land on the roof?

Because he likes it on top.

Dirty Jokes - Why does Santa always land on the roof?

Santa goes through the chimney for what reason?

Because Mrs. Claus said he wouldn’t use the back door.

Dirty Jokes - Why does Santa go through the chimney?

Snowmen use what to make snow babies?

Snowballs

What do snowmen use to make snowbabies Snowballs.

Why do elves laugh when they are running?

Due to the snow tickling their balls.

Why do elves laugh when they run Because the snow tickle their balls.

Can you tell us about Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?

Wendy’s.

Where is Peter Pans favorite place to eat out Wendys

I’d like to find out the reason why Snow White, who is an iconic Disney character, was shut out of Disneyland.

She sat on Pinocchio’s face and said, “Lei to me! Lie to me!”

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland She sat on Pinocchios face and said Lei to me Lie to me
  • Minnie told Mickey she wanted to divorce him. “Are you fucking serious?” he asked. “No. I’m fucking goofy!” Minnie replied.
Minnie told Mickey she wanted a divorce. He responded Are you fucking serious Minnie responded No. Im fucking goofy

What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?

Both make you stand around for over an hour and wait for a two-minute ride.

What do Disney World and Viagra have in common They both make you stand around for an hour and wait for a twominute ride
  • In what way does one circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his younger sister in the jaw.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly Kick his sister in the jaw.
  • How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? Once you open it, you find it half empty.
How is a pushup bra like a bag of chips As soon as you open it you realize its half empty.
  • The difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? With a terrorist, you can negotiate.
Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist You can negotiate with a terrorist
  • Did the sanitary napkin say anything to the fart? You are the wind beneath my wings.
What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart You are the wind beneath my wings
  • Could you tell me what the O said to the Q? Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
What did the O say to the Q Dude your dick’s hanging out.
  • What does one call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off.
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating Beef strokin off.
  • Why do boobes and toys have so much in common? Both were originally intended for kids, but daddies end up playing with them instead.
What do boobs and toys have in common They were both originally made for kids but daddies end up playing with them
  • How do you refer to a virgin lying on a waterbed? A cherry float.
What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed A cherry float
  • When someone refuses to fart in public, what do you call them? A private tutor.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public A private tutor
  • How do you refer to a guy with a small dick? Just-in!
What do you call a guy with a small dick Justin
  • When Cinderella got to the ball, what did she do? She gagged.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball She gagged.
  • Green and smelling like pork, what is it? Kermit’s Finger!
Whats green and smells like pork Kermits Finger
  • Hard and dry, but soft and wet when it comes out? Gum
What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet Gum
  • Are you aware of the three shortest words in the English language? Is it in?
What are the three shortest words in the English language Is it in
  • Did you know that a Rubik’s Cube has something in common with a penis? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What do a Rubiks Cube and a penis have in common The more you play with it the harder it gets
  • Do you know why there isn’t a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken has come in another box.
  • Six year old kid checking out his mother’s ID card. Sex: F He laughs… Mom: What’s so funny about it? Kid: I can’t believe you’re that terrible at sex that you failed at it. Husband died laughing!!!
6 year old kid looking at Moms ID card.
  • Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested For fingering a minor
  • What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
Whats the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms Ones a Goodyear The others a great year
  • Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack He only comes once a year
  • What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
Whats the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer A hooker can wash her crack and resell it
  • What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common One slip of the tongue and youre in deep shit
  • What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
What did the banana say to the vibrator Why are you shaking Shes gonna eat me
  • Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle Because his wife died
  • What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb You can unscrew a lightbulb
  • What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit A zit will wait until youre twelve before it comes on your face
  • What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob If we dont get some support people will think were nuts
  • How is a girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
How is a girlfriend like a laxative They both irritate the shit out of you
  • Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they’re used to eating nuts.
Why do vegetarians give good head Beause theyre used to eating nuts 1
  • What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.
Whats long and hard and full of semen A submarine
  • What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job will still suck.
Whats the difference between your wife and your job After five years your job will still suck
  • What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common A wet nose
  • How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex Call and tell her about it
  • When is it okay to beat up a dwarf? When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.
When is it okay to beat up a dwarf When hes standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice 1
  • What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
What do you call a cheap circumcision A rip off
  • How is life like toilet paper? You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
How is life like toilet paper Youre either on a roll or taking shit from someone
  • What makes a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist By becoming a ventriloquist
  • Why is there a difference between your penis and a bonus check? There is always someone willing to blow your bonus.
Whats the difference between your penis and a bonus check Someones always willing to blow your bonus.
  • Diarrhea is inherited – why? It runs in your genes!
Why is diarrhea hereditary It runs in your genes
  • Is there any difference between a condom and your boyfriend? The condom has evolved, in that it’s no longer so thick and insensitive.
Whats the difference between your boyfriend and a condom Condoms have evolved Theyre not so thick and insensitive anymore
  • Why is a G-spot different from a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!
Whats the difference between a Gspot and a golf ball A guy will actually search for a golf ball
  • How can a single egg be fertilized with 100 million sperm? Because they will not stop to get directions.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg Because they wont stop to ask directions
  • The one butt cheek said to the other. We can stop this crap together.
What did one butt cheek say to the other Together we can stop this crap
  • How would you embarrass an archaeologist? Put a used tampon in his hand and ask him which period it came from!
How do you embarrass an archaeologist Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from
  • One Sunday, a married couple is in church… When the woman turns to her husband and says, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”
An old married couple are in church one Sunday…
  • You’re an American in the living room, so what’re you in the bathroom? European.
If youre American in the living room what are you in the bathroom European
  • Why did the police officer sit on the toilet? To do his duty.
Why did the cop sit on the toilet To do his duty
  • There was a wife who texted her husband a romantic message... She wrote: “I love you. If you wake up, send me your dreams. If you laugh, send me your smile. If you eat, send me a bite. If you drink, send me a sip. If you cry, send me your tears.” Then her husband texted: “I’m on the toilet, advice please.”
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…
  • A fly landed on the toilet seat. What happened? It got peed-off.
What happened to the fly on the toilet seat It got peedoff
  • I farted in the office the other day… and my coworker started trying to open the window. We work on a submarine, so it must have been really bad.
I farted at work the other day…
  • The other day I was at a fancy dinner party… When I farted loudly. One of the guests objected indignantly, “How dare you fart in front of my wife!” I responded, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that it was her turn next.”
I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day…
  • What’s sticky and brown? A stick.
Whats brown and sticky A stick
  • As two fish swim against a wall… one turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
Two fish swim into a wall One turns to the other and says Dam
  • Is there any difference between the Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs? One of them is a crusty bus station and the other is a busy crustacean.
Whats the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
  • What do you call a skilled fisherman? A master baiter.
What do you call an expert fisherman A master baiter.
  • Did the sex toy store employee say anything to the customers before closing for the night? There’s no time to waste! It’s time for you to beat it!
What did the sex toy store employee say to the customers before closing for the night Its time for you to beat it
  • Before the clients left the sperm bank, what did the receptionist say to them? Thank you for coming!
What did the sperm bank receptionist say to the clients before they left Thanks for coming
  • What do you do when you encounter an elephant in the jungle? Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.
What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle Wipe it off and say you’re sorry
  • I would like to know what hurricane said to the coconut palm tree. Watch out, this is not an ordinary blow job!
What did hurricane say to the coconut palm tree Hold on to your nuts this is no ordinary blow job
  • When a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling your name, what does it mean? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping your breath and calling your name You didnt hold down the pillow for long enough
  • What can you do to make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good Put a nipple on it
  • This has been a long time since I’ve had sex… It almost seems like my virginity is returning!
Its been so long since Ive have sex I think my virginity is growing back
  • Why do men like cars so much? It is because they check before pulling out if someone else is cumming!
Why are men like cars Because they pull out before they check to see if someone else is cumming
  • A guy goes to the store to buy condoms… “Do you have a bag?”, the cashier inquired. “No,” the man replied, “she’s not really all that ugly.”
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...
  • Have you ever had sex while camping? It’s fucking intents!
Ever had sex while camping Its fucking intents
  • I wonder what measures 6 inches long and 2 inches wide taht can make a woman go wild? A $100 bill!
What is 6 inches long 2 inches wide and drives a woman wild A 100 bill
  • Funny guys are dangerous. They make you laugh, then make you laugh again and again. When you’re done laughing, boom… You’re naked!
Funny guys are dangerous theyll make you laugh and laugh and laugh then boom You are naked
  • Where do erotic and kinky differ from each other? The erotic uses a feather… whereas the kinky uses the whole chicken.
What is difference between erotic and kinky Erotic is using a feather... Kinky is using the whole chicken.
  • Don’t take it so hard. It’s a joke, not some dick.
Its a joke not a dick Dont take it so hard
  • Rearrange these letters to form words. 1. PNEIS 2. BUTTSXE Did you get “SPINE” and “SUBTEXT”? Yeah… Neither did I.
Rearrange these letters to form words.
  • Whenever I am told that I look familiar, I tell them, “I am a pornstar.”
When someone tells me I looked familiar I tell them I do porn.

Now that you read out these inappropriate yet hilariously dirty jokes, we hope it made you laugh! Why not share these jokes at the end of the day when only the adults are left standing? Surely it will make them struggle to keep a straight face the entire time.

More Jokes That Will Make You Laugh:

After the dirty jokes treat together with your co-adults play this Songs With Filthy Lyrics. They listed the list of songs that you already knew were sexy, but are filthier than you realized.

About the author 

Eric Russell

Eric finished his degree in primary education. He is into geeky male joke topics.His favourites are Star Wars and Chuck Norris.


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