Treasure Trove of Funny Pirate Jokes That You’ll Never Forget

by Eric Russell  |  14 Apr 2021

Arrghhh!! Ready to laugh your arse off this treasure chest of pirate jokes. Whether it is “talk like a pirate” day or a casual conversation, these jokes will definitely get laughs from your crewmates.

Hop aboard, matey! Read and have a laugh at the finest jokes gathered across the seven seas.

Pirate Jokes About Their Life At Sea

The life of pirates is an adventurous one. Not every pirate story is filled with treasures and sailing.

Some are funny anecdotes about pirates and their daily life. Haha!

  • What’s a pirate’s favorite type of exercise? The plank!
Pirate Jokes - What’s a pirate’s favorite type of exercise?
  • What haircut does a pirate get? Crew cut!
  • Where does a pirate captain get his hook? The second-hand store!
  • A pirate enters the bar. Bartender: What’s with the paper hat? Pirate: They put a bounty on my head!
  • What does a pirate Snellen chart look like?






  • A pirate enters the bar. Bartender: Do you know you have a steering wheel attached to your nuts? Pirate: Aye! It’s driving me nuts!
  • Why do pirates with hooks never help out? It’s hard for them to lend a hand.
Pirate Jokes - Why do pirates with hooks never help out?
  • Why is pirating considered addictive? They say that after you lose your first hand, you get hooked!
  • Why do pirates never get cremated? Cause they like to bury their booty.

Talk Like A Pirate Jokes

The way pirates talk is very amusing. So why not make funny puns and rhymes out of it?

  • What happens to an unprepared pirate at sea? Starrrrrve!
  • How do pirates prefer to communicate? Aye to aye!
Pirate Jokes - How do pirates prefer to communicate?
  • Why did the pirate move to Russia? To become a Czaaaarrrrrr!
  • What is a pirate’s most favorite doll? Baaaaaarrrrrrrbie!
Pirate Jokes - What is a pirate’s most favorite doll?
  • What does a pirate do after he eats? He bAARRRRps and fAAAARRRRts!
  • Why are pirates mean? Because they ARRRGGGHH!

Call A Pirate Jokes

Name-calling is a quite common way to make jokes. And of course, although they are tough and strong, pirates are not safe from name-calling.

  • What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs? A rookie!
Pirate Jokes - What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
  • What do you call a pirate without legs? Freeloader! Down the plank you go!
  • What do you call a pirate with brown pants? Captain Diarrhea!
  • What do you call a Pirate That Wears a Pumpkin on Their Head? A Squash-buckler!
  • What Do You Call a Bunch of Clumsy Pirates in Public Transportation? A Blunder-buss!

Jokes About Pirates And Modern Equipment

Only familiar with kegs, barrels, and ropes, retired pirates are not familiar with modern equipment. As such, pirates need time to learn how to use many modern pieces of equipment.

They may even suffer some time on learning, but of course, their suffering our pleasure.

  • What do pirates say when his wooden leg freezes? Shiver me timbers!
  • What TV show do pirates like? Booty and the Beast!
  • Why didn’t the pirates’ phone work? Because it’s off the hook!
Pirate Jokes - Why didn’t the pirates’ phone work?

Jokes About Pirates And Education

When pirates retire, they may need to keep up with modern education. Of course, spending most of their time sailing the seas, they may struggle.

Once again, a pirates’ struggle is our laughter! Haha!

  • What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? P! Because it’s an Arrr but it’s missin’ a leg.
Pirate Jokes - What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
  • Why can’t pirates learn the alphabet? Because they spend all their life at C!
  • What do you call a pirate who likes to skip school? Captain Hooky!
  • Crew: Cannons be ready! Grammar Nazi Captain: ARE! Crew: What be our orders cap’n? Grammar Nazi Captain: ARE!! Crew: What be doing next cap’n? Grammar Nazi Captain: ARE!!!
Pirate Jokes - Crew: Cannons be ready!
  • Why do pirates hate the metric system? Because they love to say yAARRRd!

Jokes About Pirates And Their Body Parts

Life at sea can result in pirates losing an arm or leg. Instead of lamenting over the loss of torso, why not make it a funny joke to boost the crew’s morale.

  • How much do treasures cost for a pirate? An arm and a leg!
Pirate Jokes - How much do treasures cost for a pirate?
  • What body part replacement would Steve Job wear if he was a pirate? An iPatch and iHook!
Pirate Jokes - What body part replacement would Steve Job wear if he was a pirate?
  • Why does Captain Hook have many scars on his back? Because it was itchy!
  • Why did Captain Hook visit a proctologist? Because the hook tore through the toilet paper!

Pirates Under Attack By Rival Pirates

What do pirates hate the most? Of course, other pirates! Who would want to share loot and treasure.

Below is a funny story of how a single crew defended their ship’s treasure from rival pirates.

  • A pirate ship carrying treasures was going to be attacked by another pirate crew. The ship was attacked by two pirate ships! The first mate asked: “Captain, what should we do?” The captain replied: “Bring me my bright red shirt!” The pirate crew, lead by their fearless captain, fought and defeated both pirate ships. However, they suffered casualties. But still, the surviving pirates celebrated. The first mate asked the captain about the secret of his bright red shirt. “If I am bleeding, the blood will not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear or worry for me.” They continued traveling. When they were nearing their homeport, the lookout cried that twelve pirate ships were approaching! The first mate asked, “Captain, we’re in big trouble. What do we do?” With a shaking voice, the captain said, “First mate! Bring me my brown pants!”


Would you consider our pirate jokes to be funny?

I hope you enjoy it and share it with your friends. If you think we have left out jokes, please add them in the comment section below.

You seem to enjoy reading funny jokes, don’t you? Are you looking for more? Don’t worry because we have these other jokes that will definitely make you laugh too.

Are you a moviegoer too? Would you like to know what it would be like to live as a pirate? Click here to find out the best Pirate Movies ever made. 

About the author 

Eric Russell

Eric finished his degree in primary education. He is into geeky male joke topics.His favourites are Star Wars and Chuck Norris.


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