The Funniest Jokes Quotes To Reduce Bad Vibes

Hey, looking for funny quotes to laugh-out-loud all your worries away? We got you!

Laughter is indeed the best medicine for our souls. It reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, and most of all – laughing can be our ab workout. Let’s keep healthy while being happy LITERALLY! 

It’s time to laugh, relax and be funny with this collection of Funny Jokes Quotes! 

Hilarious Jokes Quotes For You

Working on your personal development and having a hilarious laugh along the way doesn’t hurt!

So why not scan these funny joke quotes and laugh till your stomach hurts during your ‘ME’ time.

  • It is not that I am crazy, it is that I go normal occasionally. – Unknown
  • My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I’d forgotten to do. – Unknown
Jokes Quotes - My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
  • I am multitasking: I listen, ignore, and forget all at once. – Unknown
  • It was a very busy day for me converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. – Unknown
  • Be the kind of woman that, when her feet hit the floor, the devil calls out, “Oh crap, she’s up!” – Unknown
  • My winter fat is finally gone. Now I have spring rolls. – Unknown
  • Having low self-esteem is similar to driving with your hand brake on. – Maxwell Maltz
  • I am neither especially clever nor especially gifted. I am only very, very curious. – Albert Einstein
  • People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne, Winnie The Pooh
Jokes Quotes - People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
  • Yes I am weird, weird is good. Normal is overrated. – Mad-D
  • My heels stay high along with my standards. – Unknown
Jokes Quotes - I always keep my standards and my heels high.
  • You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. – Louise L. Hay
  • I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. – Drake
  • My nickname should be Terms And Conditions since I get ignored so much. – Unknown
  • I have an eating disorder. I am about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries, and dis order of nuggets. – Unknown
  • Your problem is you’re… too busy holding onto your unworthiness. – Ram Dass
  • Although it is a crime to commit suicide, I wish to kill the sexiest person alive.– Unknown
  • A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. – Denis Waitley
  • I’m not lazy. I’m just putting myself in the energy-saving mode! – Unknown
Jokes Quotes - I’m not lazy. I’m just on energy saving mode!
  • My backyard has a blue square painted on it so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool. – Unknown
  • I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. – David Lee Roth
  • I’m such a comedian. It’s just me who gets my jokes. – Unknown
  • A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. – Don Marquis
  • If you are looking for someone to change your life, take a look in the mirror first.– Unknown
  • I am a queen because I know how to govern myself. – Lailah Gifty Akita
  • Self-love seems so often unrequited. – Anthony Powell
  • Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two. – A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
  • Hello haters, the word ‘awesome’ ends with ‘me’, and the word ‘ugly’ begins with ‘u’.– Unknown
  • I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism. – Rob O’Reilly
  • My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. – Caroline Rhea
Jokes Quotes - My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
  • I’m in shape. Round is a shape. – George Carlin

Funny Jokes Quote For Your Family And Friends

Get ready for your next bonding moments with family and friends. Be sure to note and share these funny jokes quotes with them.

It’s time to make everyone laugh, laugh, and laugh! 

  • As our phones fall, we get nervous. As our friends fall, we laugh. – Unknown
  • I’m trying to look at it from your perspective, but I can’t stick my head up that far. – Unknown
  • I finally realized that a cell phone is a prison… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone. – Unknown
  • After a cop stopped me and requested, “Papers”, I replied, “Scissors, I win!” and drove off. – Unknown
  • I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb
  • It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. – Jerry Seinfeld
Jokes Quotes - It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  • Once you let mo-fos slide, they start to believe they can ice skate. – Unknown
  • Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. – Cullen Hightower
  • Some people need a good high-five. In the face. With a chair.– Unknown
  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. – Ellen DeGeneres
  • When I am blue, I sing to cheer myself up. Most of the time, my voice makes things worse. – Unknown
  • Dear life, when I asked, “Can this day get worse?” I was simply asking a rhetorical question, not a challenge. – Unknown
Jokes Quotes - Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  • Sometimes I can’t see when my eyes are closed. – Unknown
  • Go left when nothing goes right. – Unknown
  • My favourite cardio workout is a cross between a lunge and crunch, which I call lunch. – Unknown
  • Toilet paper is a good example of what you don’t realize you have until it’s gone. – Unknown
  • I hate it when guys say that girls are weak. Excuse me, but can you bleed for seven days straight and not die? I don’t think so. – Unknown
  • It seems very strange that after Tuesday the rest of the week spells WTF. – Unknown
  • You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. Now that you’ve told me you love me, I’m scared!– Unknown
Jokes Quotes - You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!
  • Broccoli says ‘I’m shaped like a small tree’, mushroom says ‘I’m shaped like an umbrella’, walnut says ‘I look like a brain’, and banana says ‘Can we switch the subject?’ – Unknown
  • Hey Math, step up and figure it out yourself, I’m tired of solving your problems for you. – Unknown
  • You don’t have to worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. – Unknown
Jokes Quotes - Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
  • If it’s bad to eat at night, why would there be a light in the fridge? – Unknown
  • Yesterday morning, I ran five times around the block. I then got too tired, so I put the block back in the toy box. – Unknown
  • Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories. – Jessica Simpson
  • Smile while you have teeth, life is short. – Unknown
  • Nature abhors vacuums, but not nearly as much as do cats. – Unknown
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. – Bob Hope
  • As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

Funniest Quotes from Funniest People

Enjoy these funny quotes and witty words from the funniest people we ever know that surely make everyone laugh!

  • I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright
  • Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. – Mitch Hedberg
  • Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. – Comedian Adam Gropman
  • The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. – Bill Murray
Jokes Quotes - The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
  • I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
  • I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
  • A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
Jokes Quotes - A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
  • Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. – Bill Murray
  • I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. – Steven Wright
  • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. – Steven Wright
  • When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite
  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield
Jokes Quotes - I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
  • That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. – George Carlin
  • If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
  • Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
  • Some people just have a way with words, and other people… oh… not have a way. – Steve Martin
  • The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. – Gore Vidal
  • I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. – Steven Wright
  • We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. – Rita Rudner
  • How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town. – Jimmy Kimmel
  • I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids. – Robert Brault
  • What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon? – Jerry Seinfeld
  • If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? – Jon Stewart
  • What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? – George Carlin
Jokes Quotes - What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck. – Stephen Colbert
  • My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers. – Sarah Silverman
  • You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. – Zach Galifianakis
  • The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. – Demetri Martin
  • If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library? – Lily Tomlin
  • If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin
  • Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. – Ricky Gervais
Jokes Quotes - Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
  • I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology. – B. J. Novak
  • Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. – Jeff Valdez
  • My dog was my soulmate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum… – Elayne Boosler
  • Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln
  • Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein
  • At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. – Ann Landers
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. – Ashleigh Brilliant
  • Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
  • If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. – Groucho Marx
Jokes Quotes - If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
  • You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’ – Homer Simpson
  • My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. – Jean Rostand

Are these funny joke quotes made your day and relieve your stress away? Share and comment on your entries in the comment box below so we can add them too. 

Do you have another occasion coming up? Be ready to break the ice and made them laugh till their stomach hurts with this Collection Of Funny Knock Knock Jokes for Every Occasion. Surely, Everyone will leave the party with a smile on their face.

Or are you preparing for your next vacation trip? When we are talking about vacation, it means enjoying and creating memories. So have a fantastic ride and share these 53+ Vacation Jokes to Play Around with your travel buddies.

Head over to Pinterest to keep motivated and positive in life with these Inspirational Quotes.

To end this, remember that a day without laughter is a day wasted! Being happy and laughing joyfully is a proven way to make you look younger. It’s free, so why not make the best out of it!

Life is a gift to be enjoyed, so laugh all your troubles away.

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