London Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Loudly

With millions of visitors every year, London is one of the world’s most well-traveled cities. 

Laughter and crazy puns are also very popular in this beautiful city!  At first, the British sense of humor can be off-putting if you’re not used to it. Once you get used to it, it becomes entertaining and amusing. 

Get your laugh on with these hilarious London jokes. Don’t forget to check out the Italian jokes, Spain jokes, and British jokes as well. They will make your trip more enjoyable.

Hilarious London Jokes

  • Londoners are always nearly late, why is that?
    • They’re always nearly on the Thames.
  • Why did the woman have such a horrible time in London? 
    • She had a horrible heir day.
  • Why did Frideric Handel not shop in London?
    • He had gone Baroque.
  • What’s the difference between a south London football fan and a plasterer?
    • One’s a Millwall fan, the other’s a fill-wall man.
  • The chicken crossed the North Circular Road for what reason?
    • To get from Finchley to Hendon.
  • Sherlock Holmes measured the Monopoly board for what reason?
    • To see if the game was a foot.
  • Did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968 besides King Crimson?
    • Yes.
  • Conjoined twins went to London for what reason?
    • So the other one could drive a little.
  • Why does no one arrive late in London?
    • Because there is a big clock in the middle of the town. 
  • If you see a spaceman while driving your car in central London, what should you do?
    • Park in it, of course.

Funny London Puns

  • The street art in London is very ad-mural-able.
  • I’m at Buckingham Palace today, but I’m having a bad heir day.
  • I was Maida Vale when I thought this pun up.
  • These excellent jokes are starting to Turnham Green with envy.
  • The builder had two tonnes of Brix, ton of concrete and an awful pun.
  • These puns are hilarious.
    • Put your hands together and Clapham North and south of the river.

Crazy London One Liners and Stories

  • A group of friends traveled around England in search of greater theatres in order to recreate the London experience.
    • They were globe-trotting.
  • I’m happy to leave the Tower of London with my head intact!
  • This sweater gave me a nasty rash after I bought it in south-east London.
    • Woolwich?
    • It can’t be that. It’s made from polyester.
  • Today, I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
    • He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes.
  • During a visit to London, an American entered a Vietnamese soup restaurant and placed an order directly at the counter.
    • A line of customers off to the side began groaning and mumbling. 
    • A man at the front pointed to the back of the line and angrily said “Pho Queue!”
  • Uber has left London.
    • Thousands of media types simply wander into strangers’ cars and scream locations at them.
    • Chaos ensues.
    • London crumbles.
  • “I’m from South London”
    • First of all, you’re from Kent.
  • “Londoners need to be more fearful”
    • Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
  • A man enters a London dentist’s office….
    • “What can I do for you?”
    • “I think I’m a moth.”
    • “You don’t need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist!”
    • “I know!”
    • “Well, why did you come in here then?”
    • “The light was on.”
  • The Texan was taking a taxi tour of London in a hurry.
    • When they passed the Tower of London, the cabbie explained what it was and that construction began in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
    • The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”
    • House of Parliament next – Started construction in 1544, completed 1618. “Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”
    • As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. “Whoah! What’s that over there?”
    • “Damned if I know, wasn’t there yesterday…”

Best London Quotes

  • Oh, I love London Society! It is entirely composed now of beautiful idiots and brilliant lunatics. Just what society should be.
    • –Oscar Wilde
  • A bad day in London is still better than a good day anywhere else.
    • –Unknown
  • In London, everyone is different, and that means anyone can fit in.
    • –Paddington Bear
  • I got to take my kids to the London eye with no one looking at me like I was Johnny Depp. They did look at me like I was some kind of sicko walking around with beautiful kids, but I had a perfect disguise.
    • –Johnny Depp
  • London is a world by itself. We daily discover in it more new countries, and surprising singularities, than in all the universe besides.
    • –Thomas Brown

We hope you enjoyed this post and in the future visit us for more interesting posts about travel and fun. Plan to visit this amazing city, check out Top-Rated Tourist Attractions & Things to Do in London.

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