History Jokes You Can’t Help Laughing At

History is an important part of human life, but we tend to remember only a few things, usually the more vicious or salacious parts. History is a huge field and is filled with amazing puns and jokes. Discover the best history jokes and the people who made them.

Whether you are a history buff or not, you have to appreciate some of the jokes that have been made about it. Whether it’s about history in general or a specific individual, there is no shortage of jokes out there.

Funny History Jokes

  • What is the most fruitful subject at school?
    • History, because it’s full of dates!
  • Why aren’t you doing well in history classes at school?
    • Because the history teacher keeps on asking me about things that happened years before I was born!
  • What causes history to repeat itself?
    • Because we were not listening the first time round!
  • How do early European settlers in America and ants have anything in common?
    • They both lived in colonies!
  • Fractions were invented by whom?
    • Henry the 1/8th!
  • As a planning proposal for a parking lot was submitted, what did Richard III say?
    • “Over my dead body.”
  • What made Karl Marx dislike Early Grey tea?
    • Because proper tea is theft.
  • The Declaration of Independence was signed where?
    • At the bottom!
  • Kermit the Frog and Alexander the Great have what in common?
    • The same middle name!
  • What happened at the Boston Tea Party?
    • I don’t know, I wasn’t invited!
  • How did Louis XIV feel after finishing the Palace of Versailles?
    • Baroque.
  • What caused George Washington to have trouble sleeping?
    • Because he couldn’t lie.
  • Where is an Ancient Egyptian’s favorite restaurant?
    • Pizza Tut!
  • What was the reason for the Vikings sailing to England in longboats?
    • It was too far to swim!
  • In Great Britain, where are kings and queens crowned?
    • On the head!
  • What made the king stand one foot tall?
    • Because he was a ruler.
  • What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
    • Hissssstory.
  • Why did Columbus cross the ocean?
    • To get to the other tide.
  • What is the most ground-breaking invention in human history?
    • The shovel.
  • Who were the greenest presidents in US history?
    • The Bushes.

Hilarious History Puns

  • What made WWI happen so quickly?
    • Because they were Russian.
  • What made the Dark Ages the darkest period of history?
    • Because there were so many knights.
  • Vikings used what method to send secret messages?
    • By Norse code!
  • Who crafted King Arthur’s round table?
    • Sir-Cumference.
  • In what way was the Roman Empire divided in half?
    • With a pair of Caesars.
  • What famous Roman had hayfever?
    • Julius Sneezer.
  • What type of potato can be found in the Roman Coliseum?
    • Gladiater-tater!
  • Which mouse was an Emperor of Rome?
    • Julius Cheeser!
  • Pharaohs are always boasting, so why is that?
    • He is a sphinx. He’s the best!
  • Where did Montezuma attend college?
    • Az Tech.

History Quotes and One-Liners

  • “I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.”
    • — Ronald Reagan
  • In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
    • — President John Adams
  • Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood.
    • He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!
    • Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else!
  • Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied:
    • “In silence”.”
  • Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is “nobody”.
    • “When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: “Help, nobody is attacking me!”
    • No one comes to help.
  • Entire Russian history in five words.
    • Russian history in five words: “And then things got worse.”
  • A nerdy friend of mine got a Ph.D. in palindrome history.
    • He’s now Dr. Awkward.

History is filled with some of the best and most interesting people that have ever existed, with each of them bringing something new to the table and changing the world as we know it. This was the case with the famous people on our list of history puns, who changed the world through their inventions, discoveries, and wisdom. 

We hope you enjoy our collection of funny history jokes, puns, and one-liners. You may also like chemistry jokes and math jokes, or if you want something different, cheese jokes will definitely melt your heart. 

Learn fascinating facts from history that you might not have known before.

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