Bartender Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You’re Drowsy

Are you a bartender who’s always the center of attention? Do your customers often come to you for advice? If so, you may have what it takes to carve out a niche for yourself in the entertainment industry.

The best bartenders are the ones who know how to lighten the mood with humor. A little humor can get everyone in the mood to have fun and relax. 

This blog has a list of bartender jokes that will have you laughing until you’re drowsy.

Funny Bartender Jokes and Stories

  • Is there a reason bartenders never get lost?
    • Because they always find their way to the “bar”!
  • At the North Pole, what do you call a bartender?
    • A polar bartender!
  • Is there a way to make a bartender smile?
    • Leave a tip that’s on the rocks!
  • What made the scarecrow become a bartender?
    • Because he was outstanding at mixing!
  • What made the bartender become a gardener?
    • Because they wanted to serve fresh drinks with a twist of lime!
  • A bartender’s favorite type of music? Baroque and roll!
  • Did the drunk emo say anything to the bartender?
    • Nothing! He was hung over.
  • Why did Eminem get fired from his bartending job?
    • He kept telling people “You only get one shot”.
  • A man approaches a priest.
    • The man says, “I am Jesus Christ.”
    • The priest says, “No you are not my son.”
    • The man says, “Follow me.”
    • The man walks into the bar and the bartender says, “Jesus Christ your back!”
  • In a bar, a vampire orders a cup of hot water.
    • The bartender asks, “I thought you guys only drink blood?”
    • The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”
  • Helvetica, Comic Sans, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
    • “Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”
  • Horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
    • Horse replies, “The bank denied my home loan because I don’t have a stable income.”
  • A bar is filled with three comedians.
    • The bartender says, “What’ll it be, guys?”
    • The observational comic replies, “Isn’t this just typical!”
    • The slapstick comedian slips and hits his head.
    • “This joke is well-structured in a formal sense, but not particularly funny,” says the absurdist comedian.
  • A bartender yells “Does anyone know how to administer CPR?”
    • “Hell I know the whole alphabet! I shouted.
    • Everyone laughed except for one guy.
  • As a screwdriver walks into a bar, he takes a seat in front of the bartender.
    • Bartender notices and heads his way over then says, “Hey dude, we have a drink named after you, so here it is.”
    • Confused, the screwdriver asks, “Wait, you have a drink named Steve?”
  • Upon seeing a baby seal in a bar, the bartender asks, “What will it be?”
    • The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”
  • Can you tell me what kind of drink the genie bartender serves?
    • A djinn and tonic.
  • A dumb billionaire walks into a bar and orders a beer.
    • A female bartender notices his attractiveness and gives him her number on a tissue.
    • This is ridiculous! I could get laid for this much!
  • What makes you think the female bartender is mad at you?
    • A string is tangled in your bloody Mary.
  • An obnoxious drunk wanders into a bar and asks for a drink, but the bartender tells him, “No way, buddy, you’re too drunk.”
    • After a few minutes, the drunk enters the bathroom.
    • Again he slurs, “Give me a drink.”
    • The bartender says, “No, man, I told you last time, you’re too drunk.”
    • Five minutes later, the guy enters the bar through the back door and orders a drink. The bartender says, “You’re too drunk.”.
    • The drunk scratches his head and says, “Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing.”

Bartender Funny Answers to People Walking In

  • In a bar, the NSA walks in.
    • The barman says. “Hey, I’ve got a hilarious joke for you!”
    • The NSA smiles and says, “Heard it.”
  • A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender shouts at him to leave before he stinks up the place.
    • The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”
  • Weasels walk into a bar.
    • The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?
    • “Pop,” says the weasel.
  • The neutron walks into a bar.
    • “I’d like to have a beer,” he says.
    • The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
    • “How much will that be?” asks the neutron.
    • “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge.”
  • A woman walks into a bar holding a duck.
    • The bartender says, “Where did you get that pig from?”
    • The woman responds, “It’s not a pig, it’s a duck.”
    • The bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”
  • A penguin walks into a bar.
    • The bartender says, “So what will it be this time?”
    • The penguin doesn’t answer since it’s a penguin.
  • A cornstalk walks into a bar.
    • The bartender says, “Can I tell you a joke?”
    • The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”
  • There are two dragons in a bar.
    • One of them says, “It’s really hot in here”.
    • The other says, “Don’t say anything”.
  • So, a man walks into a bar.
    • The bartender says, “I see you’ve got a support salamander on your shoulder. Could you tell me his name?”
    • “Tiny.”
    • “Tiny! That’s the biggest salamander I’ve ever seen!”
    • “I know. But he’s my newt.”
  • A jumper cable walks into a bar.
    • The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t get started!”
  • E-flat walks into a bar.
    • The bartender says, “Unfortunately, we do not serve minors”.

Crazy Bartender Cute Liners

  • In a bar, the past, present, and future meet.
    • It was tense.
  • Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducked.
  • There is a five-dollar bill walking into a bar,
    • and the bartender says, “Hey, that’s a singles bar.”

Hilarious Bartender Dialogues

  • Bartender: Do you want to go out after this drink?
    • Girl: I have a boyfriend.
    • Bartender: Okay, but I have to close the bar. 
  • My family asked what I was planning on for Thanksgiving.
    • Apparently, “Having 4 margaritas before you get here” wasn’t the answer they were looking for.
  • Girl: Thank you again for everything you do for me. *Leans in for a kiss* 
    • Bartender: Would you mind paying for the beer?
  • Her: Can you call me a cab? 
    • Bartender: You’re a cab.  
  • Me: I’ve decided to work from my home office until this blows over.
    • Manager: You’re a bartender.
    • Me: Yea. I’ll be staying home for the next 3 weeks and getting drunk in my bedroom. 

The Great Bartender Showdown

Author’s Note

When you think of bartenders, you probably picture drunks and mischievous types. Despite the fact that some bartenders are guilty of this, there are also some amazing and professional bartenders out there.

I hope these funny bartender jokes will make you laugh at the antics of these professional and entertaining people who know how to manage a room. Also, here are some of our funniest jokes that will make your day!

Make sure you stay alert! You’ll fill your tip bucket with these easy bar hacks and magic tricks.

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