Intellectual Jokes That Will Make You Sound Smart & Funny

It’s easy to break the ice and get a laugh with jokes. Have you ever wondered how you can use them to look funny and show off your intelligence? Check out these intellectual jokes that will make you laugh and sound smart.

Laugh, learn, and look smarter with these finance, biology, and history jokes.

Funny Intellectual Jokes

  • There’s a joke I’d like to tell you about UDP,
    • but you might not get it.
  • The mathematician threw his clock out the window for what reason?
    • Because it was causing too much “time” travel.
  • When a neutron walks into a bar, he asks the bartender, “How much is a drink?”
    • The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
  • Have you heard about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
    • He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
  • Optimists see the glass as half full.
    • The pessimist sees it as half empty.
    • In the chemist’s opinion, it is completely full, half full of liquid and half full of air.
  • The mathematician scolds his or her child in what way?
    • “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”
  • Ignorance vs. apathy: what’s the difference?
    • I don’t know and I don’t care.
  • Have you heard about the man who was cooled to absolute zero?
    • He’s 0K now.
  • Have you heard about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
    • He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
  • After stepping on his foot, what did the cell say to his sister cell?
    • “Mitosis”
  • Have you heard of the new band 1023 MB?
    • They haven’t had any gigs yet.
  • How do you describe two crows on a branch?
    • Attempted murder.
  • Is there a reason why you can’t trust atoms?
    • Because they make up everything.
  • Have you heard about the Buddhist who refused novocaine during a root canal?
    • His goal: transcend dental medication.
  • What is the reason engineers confuse Halloween with Christmas?
    • Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
  • Can you tell me what the DNA said to the other DNA?
    • “Do these genes make me look fat?”
  • Is there a difference between a chemist and a plumber?
    • Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
  • There are two kittens on a sloped roof. Who slides off first?
    • The one with the lowest mew.
  • Do you find counting in binary easy?
    • It’s as easy as 01 10 11.
  • To screw in a light bulb, how many surrealists are needed?
    • A fish.
  • When you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, what do you get?
    • Rhetorical questions don’t get a response.
  • Who is Jay Gatsby’s favorite superhero?
    • The Green Lantern. 
  • What do dyslexics, agnostics, and insomniacs do at night?
    • He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

One Liners and Stories for Intellectuals

  • There are two sociologists sitting by the pool.
    • One turns to the other and asks, ” Did you read Marx?”
    • He replies, “Yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs.”
  • A classics professor gets his pants mended at a tailor.
    • The tailor asks, “Euripides?”
    • The professor replies, “Yes. Eumenides?
  • A pun, a play on words, a a limerick walk into a bar.
    • No joke. 
  •  Eb, and G walk into a bar.
    • The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”
  • If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?
  • Queue is spelled just with Q and four silent letters.
    • No, it’s not.
    • They’re just waiting for their turn.
  • Why does this Rorschach guy paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
    • Here’s why it’s funny: The Rorschach test was developed in 1921 by Swiss psychologist Hermann Rorschach.
    • As part of the test, a psychologist presents you with several inkblot cards and records your responses to each.
    • It’s typically used to examine a patient’s subconscious or unconscious thoughts, personality traits, and hidden emotions.
    • So a person thinking they see their parents fighting when they see a Rorschach test?
    • There are probably some unconscious thoughts they need to work through.
  • A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive.
    • But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
    • It is impossible in any language in the world for a double positive to become a negative.”
    • But then a voice from the back piped up, “Yeah, right.”.
  • It’s kinda weird for politicians they may have run all their lives and still can’t hide. 
  • It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally!
  • Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything!
  • A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
  • I hate people that act like they are ‘intellectual’ and talk all day long about Mozart.
    • Despite the fact that most of them have never even seen a painting of his. 
  • Photons check into hotels.
    • The bellhop asks, “Can I help you with your luggage?”
    • It replies, “I don’t have any. I’m traveling light.”
  • Entropy isn’t what is used to be. 
  • Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer.
    • The bartender says, “Unfortunately, noble gases are not served here.”
    • He doesn’t react. 
  • Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
  • A philosopher says to a linguist, “Would women have apostrophes instead of periods?
    • The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”
  • It’s a game of hide-and-seek between Einstein, Newton, and Pascal.
    • It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.
    • Pascal runs off and hides.
    • Einstein stands in the middle of a one-meter by one-meter square drawn on the ground by Newton.
    • Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes.
    • He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
  • Upon entering a bar, a Roman holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
    • 5 in Roman = V.
  • A programmer’s wife sends him to the store and says, “Go get some bread, and while you’re there, get some eggs.”
    • The programmer never returns.
    • The ‘while’ statement in programming languages never ‘returns’ unless something breaks it.
  • In the world, there are 10 types of people:
    • Those who know binary and those who don’t.
  • If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
  • Police Officer: Your basement contains a dead body.
    • Schrödinger: (sighing) well there is now. 
  • Passwords must contain at least one capital letter, one number, two female characters, they must both have names, and they must talk to each other about something other than a man. 
  • Buddhist monk approaches burger foodtruck and says, “Make me one with everything.”
    • The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
    • “Where’s my change?” the monk asks.
    • The vendor replies, “Change comes from within.”
  • First Law of Thermodynamics: You can’t win.
    • Second Law of Thermodynamics: You cannot break even.
    • Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can’t stop playing.
  • Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.

The Ultimate Brain Challenge

Author’s Note

In the world of humor, intellectual jokes are the sparkling gems that make us laugh while engaging our minds. They remind us that wit and wisdom can go hand in hand, creating a delightful blend of laughter and thought-provoking moments.

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