Funny Comebacks You’ll Enjoy When You Have to Fire Off a Lethal Response

When you have to fire off a response to someone who’s being rude, insulting, or just plain mean-spirited, it can be tough. You’re probably trying not to yell too loud in front of your co-workers and customers. But the truth is that sometimes you need some help coming up with comebacks–and fast. 

Luckily, we’ve compiled a list of funny comebacks that will help you deal with jerks when they act like jerks!

Irreverent and Yet Funny Comebacks

  • I’m not arguing with you;
    • I’m simply sharing my expertise on being right.
  • I’m on a seafood diet.
    • I observe food, and it magically disappears.
  • I could agree with you,
    • but then our combined wrongness might break the scale.
  • Is your refrigerator running?
    • You might want to consider organizing a fridge marathon!
  • I may not be a baker,
    • but I’ve mastered the art of baking your day a whole lot better.
  • I won’t mention you’re old,
    • but let’s just say your birth certificate has a historical touch in Roman numerals!
  • If I throw a stick,
    • will you flee?
  • You are the gray speck on the rainbow cupcake.
  • That sounds like a you problem.
  • Even if your brain were dynamite,
    • it couldn’t blow your hat off.
  • You disappoint me more than an unsalted pretzel.
  • In the future I hope you go far and I really hope you stay.
  • Light moves faster than sound,
    • which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
  • Beauty is only superficial,
    • but ugly is down to the bone.
  • The marriage was happy for one month,
    • but I regrettably have been married for 10 years.
  • Your teeth have so many gaps that it looks like your tongue is in jail.
  • You can always keep your secrets with me.
    • I don’t even listen to you when you tell me about them.
  • When you leave the room,
    • everyone is filled with joy.
  • I’ll never forget our first meeting,
    • but I’ll keep trying.
  • There have been worse things said about me by better men.
  •  Hold still.
    • I’m picturing you with a personality.
  • You must have given our kid his brain.
    • I still have mine.
  • Sorry, I missed that.
    • I thought we were dealing with adults.
  • I don’t believe my husband will ever be hurt while participating in an activity unless the TV explodes.
  • Your hair looks so pretty today.
    • It doesn’t look gross at all.
  • Despite having bad teeth,
    • she could eat an apple through a fence.
  • It isn’t an insult;
    • it is a description of you.
  • I’m an acquired taste,
    • so if you don’t like me, acquire some.
  • Not that I’m nerdy;
    • just that I’m smarter than you.
  • Hundreds of trees are producing oxygen tirelessly for you out there.
    • I think it deserves an apology.
  • Goodbye,
    • hope to see you never again.
  • Do not be ashamed of who you are.
    • That’s your parents’ job.
  • I’d give you a nasty look,
    • but you already have one.
  •  Instead of going to lunch with you,
    • I would prefer to treat the diaper rash on my baby.
  • I thought of you today,
    • which reminded me to take out the trash.
  • I may enjoy shopping,
    • but I will never buy your bull.
  • I love what you’ve done with your hair.
    • How do you get it to flow out of your nostrils like that?
  • If laughter is the best medicine,
    • your face must be healing the world.
  • My eyes do not see evil,
    • and I do not hear your evil.
  • I would like to see the world from your point of view,
    • but I just can’t make myself look that far up your ass.
  • Stupidity is not a crime,
    • so you’re free to go.


You may not think of funny comebacks as lethal weapons, but they can be when you have to fire off a response in writing. If you need to write an email or letter and want it to end with something witty, then those comebacks are for you! There’s nothing better than funny responses that put a smile on your face.

We will share more amusing jokes with you that will be sure to make you laugh.

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  • Drive Your Friends Crazy With These Funny Car Jokes

If you want more puns, visit our entire collection of Funny Jokes Today.

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