Funny California Jokes That Will Make You Pee Your Pants

If you’re looking for some laughs or just want to know the funny side of the Golden State, here are the best California Jokes that will definitely make you pee your pants.

One of the best kept secrets of California is that it has always been an easy place for jokes. Whether it’s the weather or California’s lifestyle, California is fertile ground for comedy. 

And when you look at the bio of the greatest comedians, there are plenty of Californians to be found. Carrot Top, Whitney Cummings, David Letterman, Richard Pryor, Robert Schimmel… the list goes on and on. 

Funny California Jokes

  • What is a Californian’s favorite kind of pizza?
    • One with “extra kale”!
  • Silicon Valley’s computer was cold for what reason?
    • Because it left its Windows open!
  • What is the way Californians measure distance?
    • In traffic jams, of course!
  • What is the favorite sport of Californians?
    • Surfing the internet.
  • How do you describe a Californian who doesn’t recycle?
    • Trashy.
  • In Oakland, what’s the only thing that grows?
    • The Crime Rate! 
  • When the smog lifts over Los Angeles, what happens?
    • UCLA.
  • In Compton, what’s the only thing that grows?
    • The swelling from your head from getting jacked! 
  • Have you heard about the two California Valley Girls who died in a drive-in movie? 
    • They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”
  • On a California beach, what do you call a waffle?
    • A Sandy Eggo.
  • Have you heard of the California owl conspiracy network?
    • They’re calling themselves the “ca-hoots”.
  • If an earthquake occurs in California…
    • San Andreas will be to blame.
  • To screw in a light bulb, how many Californians are needed?
    • None. Californians screw in hot tubs.
  • What is the earthquake’s favorite song?
    • Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys. 
  • How would you describe a group of California Highway Patrolmen eating nachos?
    • Chips and dip. 
  • Where did they develop the new app for corn traders and farmers?
    • Sili-corn Valley!

Hilarious California Puns and Stories

  • Signs of our times.
    • In California, hiring is so low, they have updated the policy: long hair freaks “may” apply.
  • In California, Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers.
    • “I can’t believe it’s not Jesus,” they say.
  • After moving from Texas to California, a young job seeker goes to a large department store to look for employment.
    • A manager asks him, “Do you have any sales experience?”
    • “Yes, I was a salesman in Texas.”
  • Don’t let me burrito-round the bush!
    • California is breathtaking.
  • Just killing time here in Cali.
  • You can truss that you’ll never find a bridge more beautiful than the Golden Gate.
  • California and I have learned taco-exists.
  • California wants to eliminate a once popular item.
    • It was apparently the final straw.
  • As punishment for ordering two cadets who were caught smoking to eat cigarette sandwiches, three police instructors in Huntington Beach, California, lost their jobs.
    • Of course, the tobacco companies think, ‘Cigarette sandwiches, what a great idea.’
  • Please do not come to California, we are at capacity and have no cap.
    • A minimum wage of 12 bucks, rent of 2000 dollars, two roommates and a sugar daddy will be needed for you to make it here.
  • Don’t complain about your life.
    • There are literally people living in California. 
  • My platform, if I ran for office, would be… 
    • “Whatever the Governor of California is doing, I will do the opposite.”

Are you looking for more? You can find some of the best jokes and funny stories here, and there’s something for everyone: Chicago Jokes, Vodka Jokes, Butt Jokes, Retirement Jokes, and more

Crazy California One-Liners

  • I’m not saying she was a gold digger, but she did move to California in 1849.
  • The best part of winter for me is watching it on TV from California.
  • MARS has more water than California, according to NASA.
  • California signs a law that allows illegals to vote despite the fact that they are not even allowed in the country. 
  • You know you’re from California when it’s barely raining and there are five cars piled up on the freeways.
  • When you can go to the beach in the winter, you’re from California.
  • When you can’t trust the weatherman, you’re from California.
  • A night in California is like waking up to a bowl of granola; the only thing that’s not fruits or nuts is flakes.
  • People say that I couldn’t live in California since they love seasons too much, but I do too, so that’s why I live in a place where the shitty ones don’t exist.
  • Californians are the only ones who say “the” before the highway number. 
  • Texans’ feelings when new people move in: “I don’t want any California bullshit.”

The California Test

Author’s Note

California is a state that loves to have fun. Either we’re getting hammered by earthquakes or we’re having a fun time at the beach. When we’re not doing that we’re busy laughing and making jokes about our crazy lives. I hope these California jokes gave you a good laugh.

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About the author

Megha Sharma

Megha is the heart of - When waking up in the morning, her first thought always is how to create a smile on someone's face before breakfast. Her passion are jokes for the youngest and about animals.

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