Bar Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You’re Drunk

Sometimes referred to as a pub or club, a bar serves alcoholic beverages, such as beer, wine, liquor, and cocktails by the glass.

People go to bars to relax after a long work day, to catch up with old friends, and to meet new people. There is no better place to enjoy a drink than in a bar or pub. However, a bar can also be a good place to go out with friends and end up telling jokes you have heard all your life and laughing.

In case of another party, you may also relate to Bartender jokes and Beer jokes. For fun and exciting trivia discussion with your friends, try History jokes.

Funny Bar Jokes and Stories

  • What did the bartender say to the rum who wanted to leave?
    • “Don’t go, you’re my best mate!”
  • What caused the grape to stop in the middle of the bar?
    • Because it ran out of juice!
  • After Dickens ordered a drink, what did the bartender say?
    • “Please, sir, I want some more!”
  • Can you tell me how bartenders say goodbye?
    • “It’s been a pleasure serving you!”
  • At the bar, what do you call a bear?
    • A “bear”-tender!
  • What do all men at singles bars have in common?
    • They are married.
  • At this bar, do you serve ladies?
    • No, sir, you have to supply your own.
  • A sign, featuring an illustration of a flashing police car on Washington’s Route 8, reads:
    • “If you drink and drive, we’ll provide the chasers.”
  • One night, a drunken man stumbles out of a bar and passes a woman walking her dog.
    • The man stops her and asks, “Hey where’d ya get the pig?” 
    • The woman replies, “Listen you drunken bastard, that’s a dog not a pig.” 
    • The man then said, “Take it easy, I was talking to the dog.”
  • There’s a man in a bar with a pork pie on his head.
    • The barman asks, “Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?” 
    • The man replies, “It’s a family tradition.
    • We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday.” 
    • The barman remarks, “But it’s Wednesday.” 
    • Sheepishly, the man says, “Man, I must look like a real fool.”
  • A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says “Hey bartender give me a beer.”
    • The bartender says, “Sorry, but we do not serve food here.”
  • There are two dragons in a bar.
    • The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
    • His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
  • In a bar, an amnesiac walks in.
    • He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
  • In a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people, I was telling jokes.
    • I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.
  • A man walks into a bar looking sad one night. Bartender asks if he wants anything.
    • The man says “Oh just a beer”.
    • The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
    • The man said, “My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”.
    • The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
    • The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.
  • After years of being away from the Church, an Irishman enters the confessional box.
    • There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
    • On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
    • Then the priest comes in.
    • “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
    • The priest replies: “Get out. You’re on my side.”
  • Mike walked into the bar and said to Charlie the bartender…
    • “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”
    • “Oh yeah?” said Charlie “And how did this one end?”
    • “When it was over,” Mike replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
    • “Really,” said Charles, “now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
    • “She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'”
  • Three vampires walked into a bar.
    • The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”
    • The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”
    • The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
    • The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”
  • Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a Martinus.”
    • The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a Martini?” 
    • “Look,” Caesar replies, “If I wanted a double, I’d have asked for it!”
  • A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
    • The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
    • As an apprentice, the lion retorts, “Why does the circus need a bartender?”
  • A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch.
    • The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor.
    • He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
    • The bartender asks, “Why did you do that?” 
    • And the guy replies, “Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”
  • A man walks into a bar and goes to the bathroom.
    • When he comes out, he goes to the bartender.
    • He says, “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?”
    • The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
  • “Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. 
    • So he invited the old man inside for a drink.
    • As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
    • The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
  • Julius Caesar, a carpenter, and a sperm donor enter a bar.
    • He came, he saw, he conquered.
  • Play on words, puns, and a limerick in a bar.
    • No Joke
  • There are an infinite number of mathematicians in a bar.
    • The first orders a mug, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on.
    • The bartender pours them 2 whole mugs and says, “sort it out yourselves.”
  • Three men enter a bar.
    • The scaffolding crew can’t stop laughing.
  • At a bus stop, a man, his wife, and their six children are waiting for the bus.
    • The man sees a blind man walking up to the bus stop with a cane.
    • The bus arrives and the wife and husband notice that the bus is quite full so the blind man and the husband order the wife to take the children and get on the bus.
    • The blind man and husband tell her that they can walk to their next destination.
    • So the wife and children get on the bus and the bus drives off.
    • The husband and the blind man start walking.
    • The husband is annoyed by the tapping of the blind man’s stick, so he says to the old man “If you would put a rubber on the end of that stick, it wouldn’t make so much noise”.
    • The blind man turns to the young man and says “if you would have put a rubber on the end of your stick, we would have fit on that bus”.
  • A black man enters a bar.
    • A colorful parrot sits on his shoulder.
    • He walks up to the bartender to get a beer.
    • The bartender says, “Wow! He’s pretty. Where’d you get him at?”
    • The parrot said, “Over in Africa. There’s millions of ’em running around over there!”
  • When the news came on, two blondes were watching television in a bar.
    • It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
    • “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said Betty.
    • “Bet you $10 he won’t,” replied Amber.
    • Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
    • The second blonde hands the first her money.
    • “I can’t take your money,” said Betty.
    • “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
    • “No, no. Take it,” said Amber.
    • “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
  • E-flat enters a bar.
    • The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
  • An ID and SME go out on a date.
    • At the bar, the ID asks, “Can I get you a drink?”
    • The SME doesn’t reply.
    • At the dinner table, the ID asks, “Would you like something to eat?”
    • The SME doesn’t reply.
    • After dinner, the ID asks, “Can I drop you off somewhere?”
    • The SME replies, “I’ll have a beer.”
  • A kidney stone enters a bar.
    • Bartender say, “What’ll you have?”
    • The kidney stone says, “No, thanks, I’m just passing through.”
  • There are two people in a bar.
    • The third one ducked.
  • In a bar, a man walks in.
    • He said, “Ouch.”
  • A five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
    • And the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”

Hilarious Bar One Liners

  • I’ve reached the age where my prescription bill has outpaced my bar bill.
  • When a mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink,
    • the bartender yells at him to leave before he stinks up the place.
  • Everyone has the right to make money.
    • A sign posted at a local pub reads “Be safe: Don’t drink and drive. But please still drink.”
  • Atheists and vegans walk into a bar…
    • I only know this because they won’t stop talking about it.
  • A Roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says,
    • “Five beers please.”
  • An electron walked into a bar…
    • And another one came out the other side.
  • My house is 5 minutes from the pub, but the pub is 35 minutes from my house.
    • The difference is staggering. 

The Bar Personality Buff Challenge

Author’s Note

In the world of bars and watering holes, jokes add a touch of humor to the clinking of glasses and lively conversations. They remind us that even in the midst of social gatherings, a good laugh can be the most intoxicating of all. So, whether you’re a regular at the bar or an occasional visitor, remember that humor, like your favorite drink, can make any night out a memorable one. Cheers to laughter and good company!

We hope you enjoyed our collection of bar jokes! Check out these 20 funny bar signs that will definitely make you laugh!

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