Humans love jokes. We love to laugh and humor is very powerful. It can help us learn and also help us build relationships. It can get us through tough times. That’s probably why we love comedians and comedy shows so much. We love to laugh, and we love to be entertained.
Comedian jokes, quotes, and stories are here for your enjoyment. In addition, you’ll find the funniest jokes from professional comedians on everyday events.
If you are someone who loves to crack jokes and your friends and family always want you to tell them a joke, or if you are just looking for some good jokes to tell on social occasions, then we have got you covered!
Hilarious Comedian Jokes, Stories, Quotes
- What’s a comedian’s go-to workout routine?
- Why did the comedian find himself banned from the bakery?
- Because he couldn’t stop making “flour” jokes!
- Want to make a comedian chuckle on a Saturday?
- Tell them a joke on a Wednesday and wait for the weekend!
- Ever wonder why comedians never share secrets on stage?
- Because they always get a laugh out of spilling the beans!
- What’s a comedian’s preferred branch of mathematics?
- Why did the comedian refuse to see a doctor?
- He thought laughter was the best medicine.
- Why don’t comedians use steroids?
- Because they need balls to get on stage.
- What did the duck say to the comedian?
- You quack me up!
- Chicken jokes? Who tells them?
- When I was poor, I got mugged once, but we were both disappointed.
- He was like, “You have 83 cents and a Sony Walkmen? What do you do?”
- I was like, “I’m a comedian.” He’s like, “Oh. I used to be one. You should try mugging.” I was like, “Thanks for tips, Carlos Mencia!”
- No, I’m kidding. Carlos Mencia would never take from another comedian.
- A comedian was making jokes about Putin.
- The material was not very good, but the execution was excellent.
- As a comedian, I see no point in going on stage.
- They’re just going to laugh at me.
- Some comedians say funny things;
- other comedians say things funny.
- When you go to standup,
- there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.
- Nightmares are your brain making sure you have a hangover no matter what you had last night.
- “There’s something very weird and abnormal about my particular quest to do stand-up; it’s very isolating and self-important.”
- –Brett Butler
Well Known Jokes From Our Favorite Comedian
- Do you know what I love most about baseball?
- The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.
- –David Letterman on baseball food
- I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do.
- And for those who like country music, denigrate means to ‘put down.
- –Bob Newhart on Country Music
- Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says, Does this taste funny to you?
- –Joe Mande, quoting his Dad
- A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.”
- The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!”
- –Emo Philips
- The police force in the United States is a terror organization so it makes sense that the US government supplies them with weaponry.
- –Isabel Zaw-Tun
- I think I gamble too much. I don’t even use a cell phone case.
- But when I drop my phone and it doesn’t crack, I feel a rush like I just won 800 dollars.
- –Eric Sobczak
- Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
- –Tim Vine
- Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.
- –Stephen K. Amos
- If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.‘
- –Eddie Izzard
- How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.
- –Phil Cornwell
- My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.
- –Les Dawson
- If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?
- –Dara Ó Briain
- “A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’
- The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’
- And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’”
- –Ronnie Barker
- Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?
- –Russell Howard
- I remember the time I was kidnapped, and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
- He said he wanted more proof.
- –Rodney Dangerfield
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion.
- He said okay, you’re ugly too.
- –Rodney Dangerfield
- Absolutely disgusting.
- I just saw a human centipede crawling around outside and the guy at the front of it wasn’t wearing a mask.
- How selfish can you be?
- –Keaton Patti
- Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who’s better, Michael Jackson or Prince?
- Prince won!
- –Chris Rock.
- “I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten-pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”
- – Tommy Cooper.
- “Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.”
- –Robin Williams.
The Comedian Trivia Quiz
Now, you don’t have to be a professional comedian to make people laugh. If you have a good sense of humor, you can make people laugh just by using some of the jokes, one-liners, or stories from this post.
Enjoy the rest of your day and don’t forget to share this article with your friends so that they can laugh as well with these comedian jokes!
Want to know more about Comedians’ favorite Jokes? Laugh along with this article: 40 Comedians Reveal Their Favorite Jokes Ever.