What are your plans for this weekend? If they involve jokes, then you won’t want to miss these! 

This list is jam-packed with funny bits. Whether you’re looking for something funny to entertain the kids or just need a good laugh yourself, there are plenty of hilarious weekend jokes below! Have a wonderful and fun weekend!

Funny Weekend Jokes & Stories

  • Every weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park, but it’s getting increasingly difficult… to find exactly 32 of them.
  • I tell myself every weekend, “John, you may want to give up drinking.” Thank God my name is not a John.
  • Over the past few weekends, my wife has only taken me to look at expensive new countertops. I’m tired of being taken for granite.
  • After I ate something wrong last weekend, I had diarrhea for several days. Today was finally the day when I felt normally, so I took care of myself and finally did myself a solid.
  • My weekends are spent inventing a machine that distributes herbs and spices to any place at the table. It is not much, but it passes the thyme.
  • “What do you plan on doing over the weekend?” “I’m going to buy glasses.” “And then what?” “Then I’ll see.”
  • Since it’s Mother’s Day weekend, I wanted to make sure my wife woke up this morning with a big smile on her face… Now I can’t have Sharpies in the house anymore.
  • On the weekend, my neighbour called to ask if I could help him drain pasta. I told him I’d have to check my colander first.
  • The weekend before last, I attended a seafood disco. I pulled a mussel.
  • Weekends wasted are not weekends wasted.
  • Apparently weekends are manufactured in China. They don’t last long.
  • I think we should swap the weekend days… Sundays are definitely sadder days.
  • I tried clog dancing this weekend, but the Drano kept burning my feet.
  • Putting up drywall is hard work. My wrist hurts from screwing all weekend.
  • This weekend I plan to throw a COVID-19 party. No one is invited.
  • Normally the weekend passes too quickly, but after the Super Bowl halftime show, it felt like The Weekend lasted forever.
  • There seems to be creative control for the halftime special with the Weekend bringing in his own production team. It seems they all work for the Weekend.
  • People believe staying up all weekend is unhealthy… but actually, sleep is for the week.
  • I wanted to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided not to… They’re too fast. I wouldn’t win.
  • Those who recover on Saturdays and Sundays have a weekend immune system.
  • What made the Joker want to work in the post office on the weekends? It wasn’t for the money. It’s about sending a message!
  •  The snowmen like to do what on the weekend? Chill out.

Get ready for Monday with these funny Monday jokes sure to get you in the mood. Moreover, if your getaway involves the water, you may be interested in these entertaining Beach Jokes.

Weekend Quotes and Sayings

  • Weekends aren’t as lucrative as weekdays, but at least there’s football. – S.A. Sachs
  • The only reason we ask other people about their weekends is to tell them about our own. – Chuck Palahniuk
  • There’s nothing more valuable in the world than a woman who’s free for the weekend. – Unknown
  • The weekend doesn’t have enough days. – Rod Schmidt
  •  A gray Saturday is a wretched thing, but it has to be lived through. – Anthony Burgess
  • A Sunday clears away the rust from the whole week. – Joseph Addison
  • Weekends, old timers, and airplane landings are all alike. If you can walk away from them, they’re successful. – Casey Stengel
  • Youth is like a long weekend on Friday night, while middle age is like one on Monday afternoon. – Richard Nelson Bolles
  • Whenever you are young, you should enjoy yourself. Even if you look like a scarecrow, you just gotta go! – Jonathan Brandis

Weekends are meant for relaxing and laughing. So, don’t forget to use these weekend jokes to make you smile. 

If you want more puns, visit our entire collection of Funny Jokes Today.

Are you planning to go on a weekend getaway soon? Here’s what you need to know about planning the perfect weekend getaway.

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