30+ Funny Confessions To Have You Rolling With Laughter

For the humorist in us all, here are some funny confessions from anonymous that will have you rolling in the aisles. It’s safe to say that we are all guilty of doing some of these at least once in our life.

Here are some good night jokes, reddit jokes, and uber humor you’ll love. You’ll get plenty of laughs from them.

Top Funny Confessions

I ate dog food just to see what it tasted like.

When I sleep with stuffed animals, I make sure their heads are above the blanket so they can breathe.
I get to the office an hour before my boss, at least once a week for the last two years I’ve been peeing a little bit into his coffee mug.
- When he fills up in the morning, I have never seen him rinse it out.

The only reason I brought my friend to the haunted house was so that I could punch her in the face in the crowded pitch black room without her knowing it was me.
It’s been a long time since I had a crush on Amy.
- One night I was drunk and texted her and told her how much I liked her.
- She just replied LMFAO.

Our neighborhood has a Facebook page.
- When I discover parents that don’t vaccinate their children, I tell my wife not to invite them over to play.
My traveling bag is always lent to friends when they travel overseas.
- I can’t afford to go, atleast my bag is able to.

I am a successful female scientist and feminist.
- All I want in the world is to get married and have kids.
My wife complains that the dog’s farts are unbearable.
- Don’t let the dog sleep on the bed at night.
- I never let the dog on the bed.
It’s not that I hate her.
- I’m just saying that I hope she has diarrhea on a day she’s wearing Spanx.
One of my favorite parts of the Bible is when God gives people free will and then kills them with a flood for not acting the way he wanted them to.

Whenever celebrities appear on television and ask us to make a donation, I hate it.
- You make $12 million a movie and I make $12/hour.
- You send money.
When you have kids in the house, cleaning is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

Well, I’m a girl, but I sometimes pose as an incel in order to access these kinds of spaces.
- Curiosity gets the best of me.
It was my job to lift up a man’s motor scooter and place it in a handicapped parking space.
- Then I parked where the scooter had been.

After watching the Jackass movie, whenever I drive by a golf course, I intentionally slow down, wait until a golfer is about to swing, and honk at them to throw them off.
I hate our bed.
- Therefore, I asked our cats to pee on it so that my husband could buy a new one.
As a result, my brother ate all of the chex from the chex mix, so I ate all of the marshmallows from the lucky charms.
- Juvenile?
- No, justice.
One time, I pooped my pants at work and hid my underwear inside a box that was shipped to a customer.
It is because of raisins that look like chocolate chip cookies that I have trust issues.
I once heard a student choke on a roll in middle school, and instead of helping him, I said…
- “how breadful and that pretty much sums up how useful I am in emergencies.”

As I was giving birth in the hospital, my partner loudly announced…
- ‘Wow, I didn’t know your hemorrhoids were so bad!’
I went on holiday with friends a few years ago at a time when I was sleepwalking a lot (you see where this is going!).
- I woke up naked at the end of a friend’s bed a few nights into the holiday.
- She saw everything.

At work, I steal toilet paper.
Also, I bring an empty bottle to fill and bring home.
For a week, I was on a respirator.
- My first thought was that I would be diagnosed with cancer.
- But it turns out it was just a simple infection: a virus was eating my good bacteria.

In my mind, Keanu Reeves was a black basketball player…
- “I guess it’s just the way his name sounds?”
The local delivery guy has a crush on me, so I order all kinds of stuff just to see him…
- “It started 6 weeks ago when I had ordered a new electrical fan and he delivered it.”
My obsession with the Pillsbury Dough Boy was bizarre.
- Every time we purchased Pillsbury products, my mom would cut out the Dough Boy from the packaging.
Growing up, I couldn’t have a pet, so I filled a plastic bag with water and pretended it was mine.
- I made it a little nest in my desk drawer, and would hold it and ‘pet’ it.
My habit was to put rocks in my mouth.
- I wouldn’t swallow them thank goodness, I just liked the way they felt in my mouth.

As a guy, I’m secretly planning my wedding on Pinterest.
- I’m single and nowhere near getting married.
Since I started college three years ago, I have been faking a British accent.
I fell asleep during my SATs and apparently started snoring.
- It caused me to lose a friend because she sat next to me and scored lower than I did, which led her to blame me.