Vampire Jokes That Gives You Sharp-Toothed Laughs

Have you ever been sucked into a vampire movie? Do you enjoy the mystery and allure of countless legends about romantic, but ultimately terrifying blood-suckers? 

Some jokes and puns may be a pain in the neck, but these jokes aren’t. Let us add some vampire jokes to your vampire lore repertoire. 

Get your coven to lighten the mood next time you gather for a serious vamp session with these sharp-toothed laughs!

Plus, we’ve got some camp jokes, wood puns, and funny words to say. It will be a great time for everyone! 

Vampire Jokes That Are Really Funny

  • In general, why do people hate vampires?
    • Because they suck.
  • Is there a reason why vampires never wear makeup?
    • Because they can’t see their reflection!
  • Did you hear about the vampire with the pet dog?
    • He’d always wanted a bloodhound!
  • If you cross a snowman with a vampire, what do you get?
    • Frostbite!
  • To change a light bulb, how many vampires will it take?
    • None, why would they need it.
  • How come vampires don’t get bitten by mosquitoes?
    • As a professional courtesy. 
  • The vampire went to the blood bank for what reason?
    • He needed to make a withdrawal!
  • When a vampire is ill, how can you tell?
    • By how much he’s coffin.
  • Can you tell me what a vampire’s favorite cocktail is?
    • A Bloody Mary.
  • What is the best way for vampires to travel across the sea?
    • On blood vessels.
  • Is there a reason why vampire families are always so close?
    • Because blood is thicker than water.
  • If you want to say goodbye to a vampire, how do you do it?
    • So long sucker.
  • What is the best way to kill a French vampire?
    • You have to stab him/her with a baguette.
    • It sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
  • What makes vampires incapable of growing as people?
    • Because they’re incapable of self reflection.
  • When a vampire loses track of his coffin, what should he call it?
    • A grave situation!
  • Could you tell me why vampires can’t work for Uber or Lyft?
    • Because they drive everyone batty!
  • What is the best way to beat a vampire at poker?
    • Raise the stakes!
  • What made the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
    • Because they were sunny side up!
  • What is the one thing a vampire never says?
    • “You’re standing in my light.”
  • Among vampires, what is their favorite fundraiser?
    • A blood drive.
  • What is the reason for vampires always using the expressway?
    • They were told it’s a main artery.
  • The vampire’s head popped for what reason?
    • He bit someone with high blood pressure.
  • The vampire was locked up in an asylum for what reason?
    • He went bats.
  • What is the similarity between vampires and false teeth?
    • They both come out at night! 

Vampire Puns That Make Sense

  • What is a vampire’s favorite flavor of ice cream?
    • It’s vein-illa.
  • What is the favorite lipstick shade of a vampire?
    • Blood red!
  • Do you know what a vampire on sale is called?
    • A dis-Count Dracula.
  • If you crossed a vampire with a sheep, what would you get?
    • Drac-Ewe-La.
  • Vampires chew gum for what reason?
    • Because they have bat breath.
  • Which fruit does a vampire like best?
    • A neck-tarine.
  • If you cross a vampire with a laptop, what do you get?
    • Love at first byte.
  • How are a sorcerer and a vampire similar?
    • They’re both neck-romancers.
  • What caused the vampire hunter to puncture the Aquafina bottle?
    • Because she heard vampires were repelled by holey water!
  • At his gym, what class does a vampire avoid?
    • Cross-training.
  • What’s the best place to wash up for vampires?
    • In the bat tub.
  • The teenage vampire asked who to the prom?
    • The girl NECKS door.
  • When a vampire is sick, what do you give him?
    • Coffin drops. 
  • What was the cremation process for Dracula?
    • In a vampyre. 
  • Have you heard about the vampire who tortured his victims with piano playing?
    • His bach was worse than his bite.
  • Which protein is a vampire’s favorite?
    • Hemoglobin. 

Vampire Lines You’ll Love

  • I tried to get my bloood sucked by a vampire…
    • but he said I was too empty inside.
  • I killed 5 zombies and stabbed a vampire with a steak, and then I started to wonder why they were carrying bags of candy.
  • Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.
  • A vampire split up with his girlfriend after she had a blood test.
    • She wasn’t his type.
  • I know an elderly vampire.
    • He’s quite long in the tooth.
  • Went to a Halloween fancy dress party dressed as Dracula and ate all the food. 
    • I was Vampire the Buffet Slayer.
  • Apparently vampires drink blood because coffee keep them awake all day.
  • I used to work with a vampire.
    • Those people were a real pain in the neck.
  • Vampire pioneered the self-care movement.
    • They’ve been staying inside, avoiding people, and sleeping all day for centuries.
    • What have they gained from it? Perfect skin and immortality. 

It’s Halloween time! Would you like to be a vampire? Get ready for Halloween with these scary vampire makeup tutorial

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