Not all jokes need to be family friendly and G-rated. Some of those are dirty jokes that are (never appropriate but) always funny. No matter the setting, be bold enough to deliver a punchline these 79 laugh-out-loud adult dirty jokes.
1. Why does Santa always land on the roof?
Because he likes it on top.
2. Why does Santa go through the chimney?
Because Mrs. Claus told him he’d never get in the back door.
3. What do snowmen use to make snowbabies?
4. Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the snow tickle their balls.
5. Where is Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out?
6. Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?
She sat on Pinocchio’s face and said, “Lei to me! Lie to me!”
7. Minnie told Mickey she wanted a divorce. He responded, “Are you fucking serious?!” Minnie responded:
“No. I’m fucking goofy!”
8. What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
They both make you stand around for an hour and wait for a two-minute ride.
9. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
10. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
11. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
12. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
13. What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
14. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
15. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
16. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
17. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
18. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
19. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
20. What’s green and smells like pork?
21. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
22. What are the three shortest words in the English language?
Is it in?
23. What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
24. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.
25. 6 year old kid looking at Mom’s ID card…
Mom: Whats so funny?
Kid: I can’t believe you’re so bad in sex that you failed in it.
Husband died laughing!!!
26. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
27. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
28. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
29. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
30. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
31. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
32. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
33. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
34. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
35. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
36. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
37. Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.
38. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
39. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
40. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.
41. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
42. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?
When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.
43. What do you call a cheap circumcision?
44. How is life like toilet paper?
You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
45. How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
46. What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
47. Why is diarrhea hereditary?
It runs in your genes!
48. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
49. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball!
50. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won’t stop to ask directions.
51. What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this crap.
52. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!
53. An old married couple are in church one Sunday…
When the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”
The husband turned to her and says, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”
54. If you’re American in the living room what are you in the bathroom?
55. Why did the cop sit on the toilet?
To do his duty.
56. A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…
She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
57. What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
It got peed-off.
58. I farted at work the other day…
and my coworker started trying to open the window.
It must have been a really bad one — we work on a submarine.
59. I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day…
When I farted loudly. One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly, “How dare you fart in front of my wife!”
I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn next.”
60. What’s brown and sticky?
61. Two fish swim into a wall…
One turns to the other and says, “Dam!”
62. What’s the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
63. What do you call an expert fisherman?
A master baiter.
64. What did the sex toy store employee say to the customers before closing for the night?
It’s time for you to beat it!
65. What did the sperm bank receptionist say to the clients before they left?
Thanks for coming!
66. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.
67. What did hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
68. What does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping your breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold down the pillow for long enough.
69. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
70. It’s been so long since I’ve have sex…
I think my virginity is growing back!
71. Why are men like cars?
Because they pull out before they check to see if someone else is cumming!
72. A guy goes to the store to buy condoms…
“Do you want a bag?”, the cashier asks
“No,” the guy says, “she’s not that ugly.”
73. Ever had sex while camping?
It’s fucking intents!
74. What is 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives a woman wild?
A $100 bill!
75. Funny guys are dangerous, they’ll make you laugh, and laugh and laugh then boom…
You are naked!
76. What is difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather… Kinky is using the whole chicken.
77. It’s a joke, not a dick.
Don’t take it so hard.
78. Rearrange these letters to form words. 1. PNEIS 2. BUTTSXE
Did you get “SPINE” and “SUBTEXT”?
Yeah… Neither did I.
79. When someone tells me I looked familiar, I tell them…
“I do porn.”
What are your thoughts about these Jokes? Do you have any dirty jokes that we can still add on? We love to add it so go ahead and fire away, there are no wrong jokes!